Wiener-man on Daily Show!
Tonight, Hz was just watching the Daily Show on the cable television and having some snacks after a long day at the Hot Dog Bloggery. She was about to turn in when she heard Jon Stewart announce the guest. Do you know who it was? It was Anthony Weiner, and he is a famous congressman from New York! Hz couldn’t believe her ears that they were going to have a hotdog politician on TV, so she stayed up to watch it.
Love at first sight!
Mostly, this Weiner fellow talked about health care. To be honest, Hz wasn’t really listening because she was trying to snap a photo right at the perfect time when his name was on the screen at the bottom. It took her like ten tries to get it right! Sometimes even the smartest hot dog journalists have a hard day at work, people. Respect.
The Mucinex Diet
Today at the health club where Hz works…
DOUG: Hillz, you want some Wheat Thins?
HZ: Oh my god, yes. All I’ve eaten today is diet pills.
DOUG: [laughs] That’s so awesome.
HZ: Yeah, it’s funny ’cause it’s true! Did I ever tell you about when I was taking Mucinex and I lost tons of weight?
DOUG: That’s weird. Really?
HZ: Yeah. I would have kept taking it, too, because I was looking really great. But it makes you cough up phlegm all the time.
DOUG: That wasn’t phlegm. It was fat.
Mucinex makes you sexy.
The Hot Dog Blog has ZERO CALORIES! Fan us on Facebook!
Through the Port Hole
Lately it’s become clear that Ez has been leaning too heavily on her colleague to research and publish: Major responsibilities for any scientific endeavor. Course, Hz remains as cheerful and supportive as always, but after Hz ate alone, Ez really took a hard look and realized she had been eating without documenting and simply was not the medium-functioning what-have-you of prouder days. She began to search for the cause. Please accept the following, perhaps sketch, account as one explanation, though no excuse.
Oh Her God! It was time again for Rock the Garden and Ez had very few fragmented and fond memories of the event from the summer before. This year Solid Gold was playing and the MDz have made their love embarrassingly plain in past posts and unanswered emails. But because Hz loves her family, she couldn’t attend this year- went to some kinda wedding or something instead and Ez had to mix that sorrow with her spazzing excitement. Ez did have the awesomest street force, so things were shaping up fine. Kt, Nz, Lz and newest recruit to the force, Kathryn showed up at Ez’ and out they went.
ohwowohwowohwow
We Know! And there were attractives EVERYWHERE!
There were so many people, Ez couldn't even find her boyfriend!
And you guessed it, HTDGZ! And guess what else, SO MUCH BEER!
Only the beginning!
There were no standard htdgz in this garden, but there was no intimidating this street force!
That's a bg dg!
Ez and Nz dig in!
Nz and Lz eat dgz.
Like we said, Kathryn was new and she offered a fresh perspective: the crndg!
Kathryn, what IS that?
We ate and drank a little. Everything made sense for a good long while, but from Solid Gold to The Decemberists, things can get blurry, people can become confused.
It's okay.
Hi, you guys!
PD was there, too!
When things get funny like that, you keep on- it’s not that deep, you just get that crndg! Ez did get that mammoth crndg and with profesh zeal she endeavored to capture this magnificent specimen for the blg.
My, you're pretty.
See how this Rock the Garden dog was so huge? Ez couldn’t get the whole thing in the shot!
Ez asked Kt to hold it for a photo.
But then Ez wanted to be in the picture with the bgcrndg!
Nevermind that sleeve mustard.
And then it seemed genius to get some shots of the crndg with Ez AND Kt. Ez insisted! And Kt was super sport!
See? Genius!
Again!
Kt, what's the prob?
Meanwhile…Kt was hearing the comments of some boys standing near. Seems these boys saw something beyond foodstuff in that long crndg. The reader may assume by now that Ez was hearing nothing.
C'mon Kt, would it KILL you to smile?
Since something was obvs up with Kt and we just could not get a pleasing shot, Ez asked Nz to step in!
Nz, happy to oblige
The camera loves Nz!
No big whoop!
Not a sec too soon, the Decemberists broke through Ez’ haze with a supreme Heart cover and she eased off the photo shoot tyranny. Geeze, it was good! And man, it was finally summer! And wow, we’d been in that big art-beer garden a long time! So, when a stranger approached our party and offered to take us through a “port hole” to a hidden and beautiful portion of our city, we said yes, please show us this port hole!
So, that's a port hole...
Nz! Are you going through?!
Ez going through the change
it's...so...beautiful..
It really was uncommon on the other side! It was loud and bright with dark corners, plush benches, sparkles, potions and powders! There were very large drinking glasses and very tiny spoons. There were eighteen-year-old smiley boys on bikes wearing dress shoes and exchanging meaningful looking hand signals. Goodness, they were friendly!
But maybe we stayed too long…
New friends!
And this is where the memories end. Ez knows that since that momentous night she has been shirking her duties. Until now she’d been unable to describe the world beyond that p-hole, even. Was something shook loose? Maybe. Is she back to normal? Maybe. Will she try harder? Maybe.
Through the port hole! Fan us on Facebook.
Hz eats alone
Sometimes, like especially when Ez is off jet-setting, a hot dog doctor must bravely stride into the uncharted territory of the solo mission. It’s no big deal, really, except it can be boring. Hz found herself in this situation last Thursday, when she had some time to kill and had a belly void of hotdogs, and Ez was not around. So she went to the NE Bulldog and grabbed a table in the corner, read The Onion, and avoided eye-contact with the other patrons. She’s not shy when she’s with Ez, but sometimes when she’s alone, she kinda is! The solution: alcohol. Hz ordered a fancy European beer the second the waitress came over. The waitress was like, “Hi.” and Hz goes, “Give me a beer. I am afraid.”
kind of bored
Dr. Scholls is for suckers
Titanic! Ha ha! That was a dumb movie.
Hz took pictures of herself to try to be not bored. It only helped for a second.
Hz bored feet.
Bored! Sooo bored!
Oh, my god! Dying of boredom!
But then Hz read the menu, and her outlook improved! She found a WHOLE SECTION of hot dogs, which is rather to-be-expected-ey, since this bar is called the BullDOG. And the last half of that word is DOG, and the last half of the word hotdog is DOG too. So Hz wasn’t dying of shock or anything…
Dogs for Sale!
Hz ordered a Venezulan (sic) dog, and things REALLY looked up. Everything else on the menu she had tried before, because it was like chili dogs and chicago styles and stuff, but this Venezulan (sic) dog really looked like it was gonna be something else! It had onions, cabbage, mustard, ketchup, mayo and -check it- CRUSHED POTATO CHIPS. Holla!
When no one else will love you, food will.
And hey! America’s Funniest Home Videos was on the television, which is maybe the best tv show ever made. It’s not even really made by TV people, it’s made by Americans.
AFHV. Haha! That show is hilarious!
Speaking of being American, while Hz was at the Bulldog working on the Hot Dog Blog, “Kids in America” came on the radio. That song is so rad.
And the dog went down fast. Hz didn’t have anyone to talk to, so she only used her mouth for eating.
First bite.
Second bite!
Gone in two bites!
So then Hz had to wash that dog down with some more beers. The beer at the Bulldog tastes super good! And remember, there were crushed potato chips on that hot dog, so things were getting salty in Hz’ mouth. She had to pound beers, she had no other recourse!
Dg wash!
That’s when things really started picking up. And simultaneously going downhill, in a way…
more beers
Getting silly and blurry!
Hz made friends with the waitress! And by that, we mean Hz asked if they could take a picture together, and the nice waitress said yes.
Making friends!
After she got done eating, and drinking 14 beers, she inquired with her new friend about the cupcake sitch. She was stoked that they had some Red Velvet cupcakes with raspberry filling inside. She was like, “All take wunna those cubgags!”
Hz got dessert!
When it was time to go, Hz was REALLY blurry and drunky. So she had a little wander around Northeast Minneapolis! Just to check things out!
Oopsies, a little tipsy!
Hz has a little rest.
Back up and at 'em!
In the Surdyk’s parking lot, Hz tried to make another friend. But he wasn’t having it. Aaaawkward!
Hey, you! Let's be friends!
Finally, Hz wandered up to Super America, but not the same Super America that she and Ez went to with Lt. Brn-N-Srv in mission two. When she got there, she thought it may be a great idea to see if there were any treasures in the dumpster!
Anything good?
Hey, what's that?
Hz found a Lamborghini poster! Framed! What? That’s incredible!
Holy crap. Really?
And it was the end to a perfect day.
Htdgs + dmpstr dvg = pleasure!
Lessons Learned:
- Sometimes it’s super fun to eat a hot dog by yourself, but you have to have a good attitude about it.
- Potato chips on hot dogs are incredibly good.
- If you’re feeling grumpy, have a cupcake!
- If you need a Lamborghini poster, check in the dumpster.
Let's be friends! Fan us on Facebook!
Countdown to Minnesota State Fair
0 days until August 27, 2009
And all the junk-food wonders of the Great Minnesota Get Together shall be unleashed! Gluttons, unite!
We (heart) the State Fair. Fan us on Facebook!
Ez gets a porno mag in the mail
For the past couple of weeks Ez has been getting multi reminders that she’s lucky in life, and since the beginning of June the evidence has been staggering. We list for you now the month’s early elements of awesomeness:
- Dnz called and left this message “Ez, I got an extra ticket to Jenny Lewis on Wednesday. Joe loves her, so I got tickets for his birthday, but now he has to work. Do you want to go? I don’t know if you even like Jenny Lewis. I don’t.”
- Ez received lab results by mail from her recent visit to a MD specializing in humans and their health. She learned that her good cholesterol is high and her bad cholesterol is very low. This is tres fortunate and must be due to her Swedishness, because we all know how she eats.
- In the same mail batch she received her June cooking mag script that our darling Kt perscribed for her last birthday. The covergirl for this issue is BBQ ribs! And the centerfold….hold up, all wankers, let’s let this last.
oh, you pretty things
This is an obvs sign that Ez should eat BBQ everyday. So she carefully followed the magazine’s directions and invited Hz, Dnz and Kt over for some ribs offa George Forman’s grill.
it looks exactly the same
Kt can’t make it because she’s still out of town, but Hz and Dnz showed up and were ubz impressed. This Cambodian version of BBQ ribs is sincerely swell with a side sauce that everyone mixed up herself.
Turns out Hz and Dnz also enjoy a favorable lipid profile despite their impressive htdg experience. We celebrate!
Dnz
gets
down
Hz is pure instinct and mixed her sauce perfectly without a recipe. Even though she totally knows what she’s doing and does not need a manual, Hz paged through the mag a little anyway and HELLO, SAILOR…..
what's your name?
Have mercy, already! Ours is a beautiful world.
my blood runs cold!
So clearly, all’s awes and Hz even brought a gourmet desert made with dark chocolate.
c'mere cup!
Exceptional luck, right?
Ez, pleased and proud
Maybe all that perfection was too much to bear, and maybe that’s what started to erode our happy party’s goodwill. Whatever the cause, Hz’ admiration of Jenny Lewis‘ fashions really started to vex Dnz! For a sec it seemed they might come to blows! Luckily, Hz dropped Ez and Dnz off at First Avenue without event.
Dnz and Ez talked about miniskirts and Dnz’ boyfriend Joe’s musical taste on the way to the bar for some cherry bombs.
and things got nicer
and nicer
to miniskirtz!
Then The Sadies started playing and they were great! They played gunslinger-style music and two of ’em are brothers and their last name is Good. One brother seemed to be wearing a Caucasian-flesh-tone suit with sequined figures (sperm or mushroom?) up the lapels.
one of the Good brothers
And they played a song of the God-loving, hard-living Louvin Brothers, but not this one:
And they did this incredibly awesome and gay move where each brother frets the other’s guitar. Sad city, we didn’t get a photo, but please believe! And they put records out on that Bloodshot label that induces pants-wetting in certain circles. It was so fun!
And then Jenny Lewis played!
Hooray, Hooray.
Lessons:
- Cambodian ribs are great! Eat them every day if you have low cholesterol!
- Always check your magazines for centerfolds, but please do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.
- Yay, Louvin Brothers! Also, The Brothers Good = CUTE CENTRAL!
- Boys say they like Jenny Lewis’ music and Rilo Kiley because she’s hot.
- Girls say that Jenny Lewis is stupid because they’re jealous of her hotness.
- Jenny Lewis‘ music really is stupid, regardless of her hotness.
- The jury is still out on whether Jenny Lewis‘ outfits are good or bad.
Jenny Lewis can suck it. Fan us on Facebook!
Rod Carew is more awes than we thought.
Holy crap.
The Hot Dog Doctors just realized that there is another reason to adore the famous Jewish, black, baseball-playing Rod Carew. BECAUSE OF THE BEASTIE BOYS! In the 1994 song “Sure Shot” the Beasties say…
Pull up at the function and you know I Kojak
To all the party people that are on my Bozak
I’ve got more action than my man John Woo
And I’ve got mad hits like i was Rod Carew
Jewish, black and MAD SEXY!
So, in our post, Yo, Twins Homo-pener, Sprtz Fnz!, when we couldn’t think of anything more awesome to say about Rod Carew than, “Jew! Black! Yesss!” we were SO WRONG! And yes, being Jewish and/or Black is totally awes, but being in Sure Shot is, like, UBZ AWES!
Witness (at the 0:59 mark)
Have a rad Memorial Day weekend. Eat a shitload of hotdogs, yo.
We want mad hits too. Fan us on Facebook!
Too much, the Magic Bus!
A few of you who stalk us constantly on Facebook prolly already know this, but a couple of weeks ago, the Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers invited the Hot Dog Doctors to dine at the Magic Bus Cafe. And we were like, There is nothing about the words MAGIC, BUS, and CAFE that we don’t like. So we made a date.
Get in the car, you little Hellions!
We picked up The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers, and were headed to the Midtown Market, because we thought that the Midtown Farmers Market and the Midtown Market were the same thing. They are not, so we went to the wrong place first, which is typical for the Hot Dog Doctors. We are very good dog-eaters, and we are very bad dog-finders.
This is not where it was.
But we finally figured it out by looking it up on the computer-phone and we got there a few minutes later. It turned out that we had driven right past it after picking up the Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers, but we were so excited talking about how the Midown Market used to be Sears that we didn’t notice. You heard us, we didn’t notice the huge purple school bus parked right next to the road. Don’t hate.
See? It's right there!
When we stepped up to the bus, it was like love at first sight!
Our hostesses, the Twin Hot Dog Hippy Fairies: Chrissy and Cathy
Chrissy and Cathy were there, and The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers is already freinds with them, so we were treated like Hippy Hot Dog ROYALTY! At first we thought that this was because we are very famous hot dog journalists, but then they were super nice to everyone, so that’s when we figured out that they are just super, SUPER nice. That’s probably better for business, anyway. And we MIGHT still be famous. It’s just really hard to tell when you’re around nice people.1
We had such a hard time deciding what to eat for two reasons:
- There are so many good things to choose from
- The inside of the magic bus is very distracting, with lot’s of colorful stickers.2
some stickers!
More stickers! (they were really everywhere.)
Stickers above the mirror!
What used to be 50 cents? We don't know!
Even the menus were totally cute.
It was really hard to decide, but our friend Jenn recommended the Soulshine Dog which had sauerkraut, bacon and brown mustard. So we knew we had to get that FOR SURE.
We also got a Grateful Dog, because we were in a hippy bus, and it seemed appropriately reverent of the late Gerry Garcia (SUPER HIPPY!). The Grateful Dog has totally yummy mango relish on it.
Our third choice of dog was a Mexicali dog, which has spicy relish with sliced jalapeno in it and some shredded cojack cheese. We also kind of wanted to try the chili dog, but we eat chili dogs all the time. I know. Poor us: work, work, work!
Here they are! We cut them in half and traded, so we made Frankenstein monster dogs.
Ez' frankenstein dog: half Mexicali Dog / half Soulshine Dog
Hz had half of a Grateful Dog and half a Soulshine Dog
The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers had half of a Mexicali Dog and half of a Grateful Dog
First bite!
Pretty soon, we heard a sweet Steely Dan tune come on! This bus was outta sight! Hz used to get in trouble from her old roommate when she’d play Steely Dan. Boo!
Did you know that you can put yeast on food? We didn’t. Chrissy told us to, and we put nutritious yeast on our hot dogs and it tasted great. Hippies do the weirdest things, but then it always turns out cool. Like hootenannies, eating peyote buttons and being naked.
Sure, we'd love some nutritional yeast!
Then Chrissy and Cathy gave us some popcorn! They make it out of white popcorn and yellow popcorn mixed together. They’re all like, “Hey man, what’s the hassle? You don’t have to separate the white corn from the yellow corn! Can’t we all just live in harmony?” And the answer is yes. Delicious, nutritious harmony.
delicious popcorn.
Hz kind of made a mess.
Close up of salsa-smear.
This is what Hz does when she wants to bug the shit out of Ez.
After we ate, we got to run around and play on the bus. When you’re a serious journalist, people let you do whatever you want.
Hz got a nose smear on the window, and they didn't get mad.
Climb aboard!
The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers and Hz give it to 'em in the order-hole.
Hi. Ez is totally inconspicuous.
After eating, the Hot Dog Doctors and The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers had a wander around the Farmer’s Market. Hz finds farmer’s markets pleasant because she takes a little vacation from her acerbic, punk rock personality, and pretends she’s a gay man who lives in the Hamptons and owns a little garden shop, and whose “better half” works as an interior designer in the city.
Gay for the day!
On our way out, we noticed this sign that told what all the cuts of beef are.
This is where hot dogs come from.
Lessons:
1. Make sure you don’t go to the Midtown Market if you’re trying to find the Midtown Farmer’s Market.
2. If you’re a famous person, you’ll find that people who aren’t usually nice will be nice to you for no reason.
3. Yeast isn’t just for science experiments in your vagina. It’s also totally yummy, and good for you! Try it on a hot dog!
4. It would be fun to be a rich gay man who lives in the Hamptons.
5. Hot dogs are “other” meat.
FOOTNOTES
1. The logic being: one indicator of fame is uncharacteristic kindness. It made sense to us. go back
2. Ez, Hz and The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers had fun looking at all of the stickers. Ez and Hz have a crush on Mick Jagger, and there was a REALLY good sticker of him in there. We didn’t take a picture of it! Rats! go back
We've got your magic right here. Find us on Facebook!
Hz was rescued by a rock star!
A coupla weekends ago, Hz got to go with her friend Mary Ellyn and some other folks to Coachella, in California! She was super excited to see a bunch of great bands, and eat some quality dogs. She was very ambitious with the band-watching, but not with the dog-eating. She ended up eating tacos and potato chips most of the time, unfortch.
Mary Ellyn and Hz at Coachella. Keep movin', folks. No htdgs to see here!
Anyway, the day after the festival, Hz went to the airport only to discover that she booked her return flight for a week later than she needed it. After finding out that changing to a different flight from Palm Springs would cost $950, she decided to book a flight from Los Angeles instead and try to hitchhike over there.
Hz found a ticket on the red eye for later that night that only cost $320, but still needed a lift to the Los Angeles airport, which California celebrities have nicknamed, “LAX”, and that is about a two-hour drive. Also, she didn’t know very many LA folks that were at Coachella, and certainly didn’t want to bother anyone. Luckily, she had been text-messaging that morning with a very important LA dude, whom we shall nickname, “HrMrSprstr.”
And wow, what a great guy! He arrived at the airport in his fly hoopty in, like, 60 minutes! And Hz hopped in, and off they went!
Westward, Ho!
Hz had a long talk with her rescuer. Mostly this talk involved her explaining the wonders of hot dogs. How much fun they are to eat, how much fun they are when you take pictures of them, and especially how much fun it is when she and Ez write about them and their friends tell them that they are funny all the time. (How Ez and Hz are funny, not how hot dogs are funny. But hot dogs are funny, too.)
And HrMrSprstr was WAY into it! And Hz didn’t think he was just being polite, because he had a MILLION great ideas for future missions, such as handing them out for free at his shows. And also, he didn’t have to be polite anyway, because Hz was the one who should be kissing ass, since he was so nice and gave her a ride to LA.
So after they got to LA, do you know what Hz and HrMrSprstr did? Yes, you do! They went out for a hot dog! HrMrSprstr knew of a very famous hot dog place called Pinks, and he wanted to take her there! For a power lunch!
This Pink’s place was rather incredible. They had so many people in line for a hot dog, they had to put ropes out on the sidewalk for crowd control. But it didn’t matter how many ropes were there, it was gonna be real tough for Hz to control herself. For SURE!
Pink's was heaving with Pink's fnz!
As they wound through the ropes, Hz and HrMrSprstr were totally laughing at all of the funny signs for hot dogs you could buy.
The Ozzy Spicy Dog!
America the Beautiful Dog!
Lord of the Rings Dog!
Hz noticed that there was a hotdog with coleslaw on it, which sounded verrrrrry intriguing, so she totally got that. It was great! HrMrSprstr got something with loads of chili.
HrMrSprstr orders there!
And we got chili on our fries.
Hard at work!
The wreckage
After Hz and HrMrSprstr ate, they wanted to die. But seriously, they had been partying in the hot sun at Coachella all weekend, so it might not have only been because they were so, soooo full. They might have just been sun-burnt and hung over. Or, yeah, they might have overeaten.
Full.
Sooo full.
After this, HrMrSprstr took Hz to a nice bar called Malo, where they had some Tecate and talked with some friends. Then off to the LAX airport, so Hz could take the redeye home!
Safe and sound!
Lessons learned:
1. When you’re buying a plane ticket always check the date on your computer for when you’re flying home, in case you might have picked the wrong day.
2. If you DO buy a ticket for the wrong day, ask a rock star for help.
3. If you buy a ticket for the wrong day, and a rock star is going to help you, go to Pink’s for a hot dog, but don’t eat so much you feel like dying.
4. Coleslaw on a hotdog tastes good.
THE
END
Don't be a stranger. Find us on Facebook!
Yo, Twins Homo-pener, Sprtz Fnz!
Ever since Hz’ friend Sexy Freddy suggested going to the Twins Homo-pener, the Hot dog Doctors were practically vibrating with excitement. If there’s one thing that a Hot Dog Doctor likes, it’s going to a game that some people call, “A Thinkin’ Man’s Game.” That’s SO us! We rallied a Street Force and ordered some tickets for the cheap seats online, and when the tickets came in the mail, Hz called everybody freaking out because the tickets all had different pictures on them! That was extremely rad. They’re like paper dolls for boys.
Twin in the white shirt: I'm trying my hardest! Twin in the blue shirt: Then try harder!
When the day finally came for the Twins Homo-pener, Paul D informed the doctors that all day the nice Metrodome people had been handing out hot dogs to Sprtz Fnz! What? How did we not get the press release? Haha, just kidding.
That evening, the Hot Dog Street force met at Ez’ house, and then everyone took the bus downtown and then the light rail to the Metrodome. It was way fun! While we were waiting at the platform near Dreamgirls (which is a super excellent stripper bar in case you didn’t know), Hz took this totally cute picture of Ez in front of a Hot Dog sign! Can you tell we were way stoked to go to the game for some quality dogs, or what? Oh, man!
No one can resist!
When we got on the train, we felt like everyone could tell we were amateurs, because we weren’t even wearing Joe Mauer jerseys or anything! Just normal clothes! Also, Hz was very proud of all the tickets, which may have signaled a lack of sophistication to which these so-called “Thinkin’ Men” are unaccustomed. Whatevz, dudez. Like we care. JK! We really do!
Meet Scott Baker, TC the mascot, and Joe Mauer.
Scott Baker is a starter, the mascot is a teddy bear, and Joe Mauer is from Saint Paul, and we cannot stress enough how so many people had Joe Mauer shirts on. He must be a way awes guy!
When our train pulled up to the Metrodome, it was like paradise! The very first thing that happened is this girl with a Red Bull Can-shaped backpack on came over and gave us all FREE Red Bull! Yeah! for FREE! And she said something like about how Red Bull gives you wings, and Paul D thought she said that Red Bull makes you wheeze.
So, you know how sometimes when you hear the word FREE you get a little thrill in your heart even though you don’t care about the FREE thing at all? But it’s like, if I can have it for FREE I would be stupid not to take it! That’s how we were with the Red Bull. Because no one on the Hot Dog Street Force likes Red Bull or ever drinks it, except Hz will drink it about once a year but only if she has a seriously miserable hangover. So anyway, we all took those FREE Red Bulls and stuck them in our purses. For later! Or for never! Or to give to a teen-aged girl or something! We didn’t even think about it, to be honest. It was FREE!
Then we started wandering around like amateurs again…
The "H" stands for "Hawesome!"
We finally figured out where we were supposed to be going, which was all the way around the back of the Metrodome, where all the poor people walk into the building with shame. When we got up to the doors, there was an important man there who wanted to make sure we didn’t have anything dangerous in our purses. And you know what he found? Yes, you do! Tons of FREE Red Bull! And you know what you’re not supposed to take inside? ANY Red Bull. Sorry, teen-aged girls, you won’t get any future possible Red Bull handouts from us! (That was a big “maybe” anyway.)
So, we got inside, and started wandering around like stupid people. We didn’t know where General Admission was, so we sat in someone’s seats that weren’t general admission. And while we were enjoying our incredible view of first base, the actual general admission section was SUPER filling up! So, by the time the people who paid for the seats we were sitting in got there, and stripped us of our dignity by making us leave, it was very, very, very, very hard to find a seat where we were supposed to be. We are beginners.
Here's us: My, these general admission seats are quite good.
Finally we found a few seats together, but we had to make some people move down one seat, and then we had to save one single seat in front of us for Kt, who was coming late, and one single seat behind us for Nz, who was coming late, too. And then we had to tell two people not to come. They weren’t going to be happy about that, but what could we do? That’s what you get for having a normal job.
Here’s what we could see from our seats: Banners of important baseball players! There is Jackie Robinson, the first guy to ever play baseball black; Harmon Killebrew, who had a shit-ton of home runs or something; Rod Carew: Jew! Black! Yesss!; Tony Oliva who was probably good or something but we’ve never heard of him; Kent Hrbeck: WEIRD LAST NAME; and Kirby Puckett who is known for having a big butt, and glaucoma, and is also dead. Super bummer. Ez always liked the way radio game announcers said Kirrrbeeeeeey PUCKETT!
Robinson, Killebrew, Carew, Oliva, Hrbeck, Puckett
This Mauer mister doesn’t have his picture up in the stands yet, but even if you were blind you could tell that he is very important because at these Twins games they work to get you totally mental by playing a tiny bit of an awesome song and Paul D noted that they reserved the awesomest one for Joe. Everytime he was going to be the batter they would play AC/DC, “TNT”, but only a tiny bit! Mental Making!
Now you try, too! Just stop this after a tiny bit!
Pretty soon Kt and Nz showed up…
Can you find Kt in this picture?
Find Nz, if you can!
After everyone arrived, we set out in search of some dogs.
It took forever, because we also wanted beers, and it was hard to find the kind that we wanted, even though it is normal old Summit beer that we wanted, and that is brewed in Saint Paul. And you’d think that if everyone is going mental over Joe Mauer, who is from Saint Paul, they would want to have Saint Paul beer all over the place. But they don’t. We settled for Schells. That’s okay, though. It’s from New Ulm.
Eventually, we found us some Dome Dogs, too. Feast your eyes!
Dome Dogs and Schells Beers
By the way, the Hot Dog Doctors aren’t sure that there is any difference between a Dome Dog hot dog and a regular hot dog that you can buy at the Dome. It’s just when you order a Dome Dog, you also get a bag of potato chips. We didn’t perform any tests to find out for sure.
So, here’s when things started going badly: Hz kind of was carrying more than a Doctor should. And she made it past the throngs of Sprtz Fnz for what seemed like miles through the hallway of the Dome, and up about a quarter-mile of stairs, and got all the way up to two rows in front of the Hot Dog Street Force when one of the dogs got loose! The top hot dog in the little paper basket that it came in slid from the stack of other little paper baskets she was carrying, and the dog tumbled into a fellow Sprtz Fn! And like any fired-up baseball zealot, he tried to catch it. But the wiener got loose and fell to the floor. Hz new friend caught the empty bun in his hands, and also caught some hot dog shrapnel (mustard and relish) in the thigh1. Hz almost cried.
HELP! LOST DOG!
But Paul D was super nice about it. Since she was carrying his dog in the dog pile, she was going to go dogless and let him eat. But Paul D insisted, saying that as a Hot Dog Doctor it was important that Hz sample a Dome Dog. Hz and Paul D decided to split the remaining dog. It was very profesh of them both.
Half-a-hotdog
Of course, a half-dog wasn’t enough. Eventually, a nice man with a special hotdog-warming box came up the stairs, and we could buy another one from him! So that’s what we did.
He came upstairs with a hotdog! What a nice guy!
Then we started eating some serious cotton candy…
Nz loves cotton candy so much, she wants to kiss it!
Kt + Ctn Cndy
Ez!
Like the hand of god in a pink cloud!
Okay so then there was lots of watching (and getting distracted), and there was some stuff with the game and people were cheering and then there was this SUPER HILARIOUS kiss cam, where the giant TV showed people and then if they saw themselves, they had to kiss! The Hot Dog Doctors were hoping hard that we’d see someone that we’d know, but we didn’t. How can there be a whole stadium sold out, with people making out on a kiss-cam, and we don’t know anybody? It seemed impossible, but it was true.
Kiss Cam!
More Kiss Cam! C'mon guy, kiss her!
Kiss Cam! Everyone wants to make out!
Hz hoped that the Kiss Cam would catch her during this romantic moment with her hot dog.
Okay, so THEN there was this weird thing where they totally humiliated this guy about Twins trivia. He got to be on the big TV, and wear a Twins outfit, and the name of this strange activity was, “Touch ’em all trivia.” We couldn’t see if it said “Joe Mauer” on the back of his outfit, but it probably did. As we’ve already mentioned, Twins fans lose their minds over Joe Mauer.
Dude got pwnd
Here’s what happens…
- Some fellow with a microphone asks this fan in a Twins costume on the big TV a question.
- Poser gets it wrong.
- They make him leave.
At another point in the Twins Homo-pener, some guy proposed to a lady on the giant TV! He’s got major baseballs to do something like that! We didn’t get our cameras out in time, so we can’t show you what it looked like, but it really looked exactly like this:
Pretend like this is the giant TV.
The whole time they were playing just enough of some seriously great songs to make your thighs start to tremble, but, oh wow, then they played “Crazy Train”! The whole “Crazy Train”! Ridiculously sick!
Okay, so the bad news is that the Twins lost the game. We took this majorly cute picture of the Hot Dog Street Force when we were lounging around afters.
The Hot Dog Doctors, surrounded by the Hot Dog disciples
Oh, okay, we almost forgot! This is really funny! When we were on our way out, we saw this guy who was dressed totally outrageously! We wanted to take a picture of him to show you SO BAD, so the Hot Dog Doctors told him that we were writing a fashion blog. That isn’t exactly a lie, because we did write about fashion in the First Avenue post, and we even gave fashion advice which about a million2 hipsters have taken to heart. Seriously totally. But the point is that this guy was super nice and he let us take a picture.
Fashion!
And then Hz gave him our business card, so he could check himself out! We sooo hope he does! We also hope he doesn’t sue the doctors for malpractice, since we totally lied to him. Oh, please don’t!
Sharpie business card, until we make it!
Afterwards, we walked to Grumpy’s and had some mini-tacos and more beers. Boy, they were good! And PS: Grumpy’s was PACKED! But we still didn’t know a single person. We need to start getting out more, obvs.
There's Kt! Ha ha! Hi tiny Kt!
And there's Nz! Like a little ant!
1. After reading this part, Lt. Brn-n-Srv said to Hz, “I’ll give you some hot dog shrapnel in the face!” Hz thought this was rather aggressive, and for a moment was offended, yet confused. Relish and mustard in her face? What? Then it dawned on her what he meant. Now she fears she’ll never reclaim her youthful naïveté. (That’s French for “doesn’t get the joke.”)
2. Actually, only one. It’s Lz. She wore skinny black pants and white shoes to Rogue Buddha last Saturday. But she looked so great! See, we were right. About the fashion.
Find us on Facebook, sucka!
Hot Dog Blog 