Through the Port Hole
Lately it’s become clear that Ez has been leaning too heavily on her colleague to research and publish: Major responsibilities for any scientific endeavor. Course, Hz remains as cheerful and supportive as always, but after Hz ate alone, Ez really took a hard look and realized she had been eating without documenting and simply was not the medium-functioning what-have-you of prouder days. She began to search for the cause. Please accept the following, perhaps sketch, account as one explanation, though no excuse.
Oh Her God! It was time again for Rock the Garden and Ez had very few fragmented and fond memories of the event from the summer before. This year Solid Gold was playing and the MDz have made their love embarrassingly plain in past posts and unanswered emails. But because Hz loves her family, she couldn’t attend this year- went to some kinda wedding or something instead and Ez had to mix that sorrow with her spazzing excitement. Ez did have the awesomest street force, so things were shaping up fine. Kt, Nz, Lz and newest recruit to the force, Kathryn showed up at Ez’ and out they went.
ohwowohwowohwow
We Know! And there were attractives EVERYWHERE!
There were so many people, Ez couldn't even find her boyfriend!
And you guessed it, HTDGZ! And guess what else, SO MUCH BEER!
Only the beginning!
There were no standard htdgz in this garden, but there was no intimidating this street force!
That's a bg dg!
Ez and Nz dig in!
Nz and Lz eat dgz.
Like we said, Kathryn was new and she offered a fresh perspective: the crndg!
Kathryn, what IS that?
We ate and drank a little. Everything made sense for a good long while, but from Solid Gold to The Decemberists, things can get blurry, people can become confused.
It's okay.
Hi, you guys!
PD was there, too!
When things get funny like that, you keep on- it’s not that deep, you just get that crndg! Ez did get that mammoth crndg and with profesh zeal she endeavored to capture this magnificent specimen for the blg.
My, you're pretty.
See how this Rock the Garden dog was so huge? Ez couldn’t get the whole thing in the shot!
Ez asked Kt to hold it for a photo.
But then Ez wanted to be in the picture with the bgcrndg!
Nevermind that sleeve mustard.
And then it seemed genius to get some shots of the crndg with Ez AND Kt. Ez insisted! And Kt was super sport!
See? Genius!
Again!
Kt, what's the prob?
Meanwhile…Kt was hearing the comments of some boys standing near. Seems these boys saw something beyond foodstuff in that long crndg. The reader may assume by now that Ez was hearing nothing.
C'mon Kt, would it KILL you to smile?
Since something was obvs up with Kt and we just could not get a pleasing shot, Ez asked Nz to step in!
Nz, happy to oblige
The camera loves Nz!
No big whoop!
Not a sec too soon, the Decemberists broke through Ez’ haze with a supreme Heart cover and she eased off the photo shoot tyranny. Geeze, it was good! And man, it was finally summer! And wow, we’d been in that big art-beer garden a long time! So, when a stranger approached our party and offered to take us through a “port hole” to a hidden and beautiful portion of our city, we said yes, please show us this port hole!
So, that's a port hole...
Nz! Are you going through?!
Ez going through the change
it's...so...beautiful..
It really was uncommon on the other side! It was loud and bright with dark corners, plush benches, sparkles, potions and powders! There were very large drinking glasses and very tiny spoons. There were eighteen-year-old smiley boys on bikes wearing dress shoes and exchanging meaningful looking hand signals. Goodness, they were friendly!
But maybe we stayed too long…
New friends!
And this is where the memories end. Ez knows that since that momentous night she has been shirking her duties. Until now she’d been unable to describe the world beyond that p-hole, even. Was something shook loose? Maybe. Is she back to normal? Maybe. Will she try harder? Maybe.
Through the port hole! Fan us on Facebook.
Hz eats alone
Sometimes, like especially when Ez is off jet-setting, a hot dog doctor must bravely stride into the uncharted territory of the solo mission. It’s no big deal, really, except it can be boring. Hz found herself in this situation last Thursday, when she had some time to kill and had a belly void of hotdogs, and Ez was not around. So she went to the NE Bulldog and grabbed a table in the corner, read The Onion, and avoided eye-contact with the other patrons. She’s not shy when she’s with Ez, but sometimes when she’s alone, she kinda is! The solution: alcohol. Hz ordered a fancy European beer the second the waitress came over. The waitress was like, “Hi.” and Hz goes, “Give me a beer. I am afraid.”
kind of bored
Dr. Scholls is for suckers
Titanic! Ha ha! That was a dumb movie.
Hz took pictures of herself to try to be not bored. It only helped for a second.
Hz bored feet.
Bored! Sooo bored!
Oh, my god! Dying of boredom!
But then Hz read the menu, and her outlook improved! She found a WHOLE SECTION of hot dogs, which is rather to-be-expected-ey, since this bar is called the BullDOG. And the last half of that word is DOG, and the last half of the word hotdog is DOG too. So Hz wasn’t dying of shock or anything…
Dogs for Sale!
Hz ordered a Venezulan (sic) dog, and things REALLY looked up. Everything else on the menu she had tried before, because it was like chili dogs and chicago styles and stuff, but this Venezulan (sic) dog really looked like it was gonna be something else! It had onions, cabbage, mustard, ketchup, mayo and -check it- CRUSHED POTATO CHIPS. Holla!
When no one else will love you, food will.
And hey! America’s Funniest Home Videos was on the television, which is maybe the best tv show ever made. It’s not even really made by TV people, it’s made by Americans.
AFHV. Haha! That show is hilarious!
Speaking of being American, while Hz was at the Bulldog working on the Hot Dog Blog, “Kids in America” came on the radio. That song is so rad.
And the dog went down fast. Hz didn’t have anyone to talk to, so she only used her mouth for eating.
First bite.
Second bite!
Gone in two bites!
So then Hz had to wash that dog down with some more beers. The beer at the Bulldog tastes super good! And remember, there were crushed potato chips on that hot dog, so things were getting salty in Hz’ mouth. She had to pound beers, she had no other recourse!
Dg wash!
That’s when things really started picking up. And simultaneously going downhill, in a way…
more beers
Getting silly and blurry!
Hz made friends with the waitress! And by that, we mean Hz asked if they could take a picture together, and the nice waitress said yes.
Making friends!
After she got done eating, and drinking 14 beers, she inquired with her new friend about the cupcake sitch. She was stoked that they had some Red Velvet cupcakes with raspberry filling inside. She was like, “All take wunna those cubgags!”
Hz got dessert!
When it was time to go, Hz was REALLY blurry and drunky. So she had a little wander around Northeast Minneapolis! Just to check things out!
Oopsies, a little tipsy!
Hz has a little rest.
Back up and at 'em!
In the Surdyk’s parking lot, Hz tried to make another friend. But he wasn’t having it. Aaaawkward!
Hey, you! Let's be friends!
Finally, Hz wandered up to Super America, but not the same Super America that she and Ez went to with Lt. Brn-N-Srv in mission two. When she got there, she thought it may be a great idea to see if there were any treasures in the dumpster!
Anything good?
Hey, what's that?
Hz found a Lamborghini poster! Framed! What? That’s incredible!
Holy crap. Really?
And it was the end to a perfect day.
Htdgs + dmpstr dvg = pleasure!
Lessons Learned:
- Sometimes it’s super fun to eat a hot dog by yourself, but you have to have a good attitude about it.
- Potato chips on hot dogs are incredibly good.
- If you’re feeling grumpy, have a cupcake!
- If you need a Lamborghini poster, check in the dumpster.
Let's be friends! Fan us on Facebook!
Ez gets a porno mag in the mail
For the past couple of weeks Ez has been getting multi reminders that she’s lucky in life, and since the beginning of June the evidence has been staggering. We list for you now the month’s early elements of awesomeness:
- Dnz called and left this message “Ez, I got an extra ticket to Jenny Lewis on Wednesday. Joe loves her, so I got tickets for his birthday, but now he has to work. Do you want to go? I don’t know if you even like Jenny Lewis. I don’t.”
- Ez received lab results by mail from her recent visit to a MD specializing in humans and their health. She learned that her good cholesterol is high and her bad cholesterol is very low. This is tres fortunate and must be due to her Swedishness, because we all know how she eats.
- In the same mail batch she received her June cooking mag script that our darling Kt perscribed for her last birthday. The covergirl for this issue is BBQ ribs! And the centerfold….hold up, all wankers, let’s let this last.
oh, you pretty things
This is an obvs sign that Ez should eat BBQ everyday. So she carefully followed the magazine’s directions and invited Hz, Dnz and Kt over for some ribs offa George Forman’s grill.
it looks exactly the same
Kt can’t make it because she’s still out of town, but Hz and Dnz showed up and were ubz impressed. This Cambodian version of BBQ ribs is sincerely swell with a side sauce that everyone mixed up herself.
Turns out Hz and Dnz also enjoy a favorable lipid profile despite their impressive htdg experience. We celebrate!
Dnz
gets
down
Hz is pure instinct and mixed her sauce perfectly without a recipe. Even though she totally knows what she’s doing and does not need a manual, Hz paged through the mag a little anyway and HELLO, SAILOR…..
what's your name?
Have mercy, already! Ours is a beautiful world.
my blood runs cold!
So clearly, all’s awes and Hz even brought a gourmet desert made with dark chocolate.
c'mere cup!
Exceptional luck, right?
Ez, pleased and proud
Maybe all that perfection was too much to bear, and maybe that’s what started to erode our happy party’s goodwill. Whatever the cause, Hz’ admiration of Jenny Lewis‘ fashions really started to vex Dnz! For a sec it seemed they might come to blows! Luckily, Hz dropped Ez and Dnz off at First Avenue without event.
Dnz and Ez talked about miniskirts and Dnz’ boyfriend Joe’s musical taste on the way to the bar for some cherry bombs.
and things got nicer
and nicer
to miniskirtz!
Then The Sadies started playing and they were great! They played gunslinger-style music and two of ’em are brothers and their last name is Good. One brother seemed to be wearing a Caucasian-flesh-tone suit with sequined figures (sperm or mushroom?) up the lapels.
one of the Good brothers
And they played a song of the God-loving, hard-living Louvin Brothers, but not this one:
And they did this incredibly awesome and gay move where each brother frets the other’s guitar. Sad city, we didn’t get a photo, but please believe! And they put records out on that Bloodshot label that induces pants-wetting in certain circles. It was so fun!
And then Jenny Lewis played!
Hooray, Hooray.
Lessons:
- Cambodian ribs are great! Eat them every day if you have low cholesterol!
- Always check your magazines for centerfolds, but please do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.
- Yay, Louvin Brothers! Also, The Brothers Good = CUTE CENTRAL!
- Boys say they like Jenny Lewis’ music and Rilo Kiley because she’s hot.
- Girls say that Jenny Lewis is stupid because they’re jealous of her hotness.
- Jenny Lewis‘ music really is stupid, regardless of her hotness.
- The jury is still out on whether Jenny Lewis‘ outfits are good or bad.
Jenny Lewis can suck it. Fan us on Facebook!
Rod Carew is more awes than we thought.
Holy crap.
The Hot Dog Doctors just realized that there is another reason to adore the famous Jewish, black, baseball-playing Rod Carew. BECAUSE OF THE BEASTIE BOYS! In the 1994 song “Sure Shot” the Beasties say…
Pull up at the function and you know I Kojak
To all the party people that are on my Bozak
I’ve got more action than my man John Woo
And I’ve got mad hits like i was Rod Carew
Jewish, black and MAD SEXY!
So, in our post, Yo, Twins Homo-pener, Sprtz Fnz!, when we couldn’t think of anything more awesome to say about Rod Carew than, “Jew! Black! Yesss!” we were SO WRONG! And yes, being Jewish and/or Black is totally awes, but being in Sure Shot is, like, UBZ AWES!
Witness (at the 0:59 mark)
Have a rad Memorial Day weekend. Eat a shitload of hotdogs, yo.
We want mad hits too. Fan us on Facebook!
Too much, the Magic Bus!
A few of you who stalk us constantly on Facebook prolly already know this, but a couple of weeks ago, the Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers invited the Hot Dog Doctors to dine at the Magic Bus Cafe. And we were like, There is nothing about the words MAGIC, BUS, and CAFE that we don’t like. So we made a date.
Get in the car, you little Hellions!
We picked up The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers, and were headed to the Midtown Market, because we thought that the Midtown Farmers Market and the Midtown Market were the same thing. They are not, so we went to the wrong place first, which is typical for the Hot Dog Doctors. We are very good dog-eaters, and we are very bad dog-finders.
This is not where it was.
But we finally figured it out by looking it up on the computer-phone and we got there a few minutes later. It turned out that we had driven right past it after picking up the Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers, but we were so excited talking about how the Midown Market used to be Sears that we didn’t notice. You heard us, we didn’t notice the huge purple school bus parked right next to the road. Don’t hate.
See? It's right there!
When we stepped up to the bus, it was like love at first sight!
Our hostesses, the Twin Hot Dog Hippy Fairies: Chrissy and Cathy
Chrissy and Cathy were there, and The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers is already freinds with them, so we were treated like Hippy Hot Dog ROYALTY! At first we thought that this was because we are very famous hot dog journalists, but then they were super nice to everyone, so that’s when we figured out that they are just super, SUPER nice. That’s probably better for business, anyway. And we MIGHT still be famous. It’s just really hard to tell when you’re around nice people.1
We had such a hard time deciding what to eat for two reasons:
- There are so many good things to choose from
- The inside of the magic bus is very distracting, with lot’s of colorful stickers.2
some stickers!
More stickers! (they were really everywhere.)
Stickers above the mirror!
What used to be 50 cents? We don't know!
Even the menus were totally cute.
It was really hard to decide, but our friend Jenn recommended the Soulshine Dog which had sauerkraut, bacon and brown mustard. So we knew we had to get that FOR SURE.
We also got a Grateful Dog, because we were in a hippy bus, and it seemed appropriately reverent of the late Gerry Garcia (SUPER HIPPY!). The Grateful Dog has totally yummy mango relish on it.
Our third choice of dog was a Mexicali dog, which has spicy relish with sliced jalapeno in it and some shredded cojack cheese. We also kind of wanted to try the chili dog, but we eat chili dogs all the time. I know. Poor us: work, work, work!
Here they are! We cut them in half and traded, so we made Frankenstein monster dogs.
Ez' frankenstein dog: half Mexicali Dog / half Soulshine Dog
Hz had half of a Grateful Dog and half a Soulshine Dog
The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers had half of a Mexicali Dog and half of a Grateful Dog
First bite!
Pretty soon, we heard a sweet Steely Dan tune come on! This bus was outta sight! Hz used to get in trouble from her old roommate when she’d play Steely Dan. Boo!
Did you know that you can put yeast on food? We didn’t. Chrissy told us to, and we put nutritious yeast on our hot dogs and it tasted great. Hippies do the weirdest things, but then it always turns out cool. Like hootenannies, eating peyote buttons and being naked.
Sure, we'd love some nutritional yeast!
Then Chrissy and Cathy gave us some popcorn! They make it out of white popcorn and yellow popcorn mixed together. They’re all like, “Hey man, what’s the hassle? You don’t have to separate the white corn from the yellow corn! Can’t we all just live in harmony?” And the answer is yes. Delicious, nutritious harmony.
delicious popcorn.
Hz kind of made a mess.
Close up of salsa-smear.
This is what Hz does when she wants to bug the shit out of Ez.
After we ate, we got to run around and play on the bus. When you’re a serious journalist, people let you do whatever you want.
Hz got a nose smear on the window, and they didn't get mad.
Climb aboard!
The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers and Hz give it to 'em in the order-hole.
Hi. Ez is totally inconspicuous.
After eating, the Hot Dog Doctors and The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers had a wander around the Farmer’s Market. Hz finds farmer’s markets pleasant because she takes a little vacation from her acerbic, punk rock personality, and pretends she’s a gay man who lives in the Hamptons and owns a little garden shop, and whose “better half” works as an interior designer in the city.
Gay for the day!
On our way out, we noticed this sign that told what all the cuts of beef are.
This is where hot dogs come from.
Lessons:
1. Make sure you don’t go to the Midtown Market if you’re trying to find the Midtown Farmer’s Market.
2. If you’re a famous person, you’ll find that people who aren’t usually nice will be nice to you for no reason.
3. Yeast isn’t just for science experiments in your vagina. It’s also totally yummy, and good for you! Try it on a hot dog!
4. It would be fun to be a rich gay man who lives in the Hamptons.
5. Hot dogs are “other” meat.
FOOTNOTES
1. The logic being: one indicator of fame is uncharacteristic kindness. It made sense to us. go back
2. Ez, Hz and The Impossibly Handsome Al Weiers had fun looking at all of the stickers. Ez and Hz have a crush on Mick Jagger, and there was a REALLY good sticker of him in there. We didn’t take a picture of it! Rats! go back
We've got your magic right here. Find us on Facebook!
Hot Dog Blog 