Through the Port Hole
Lately it’s become clear that Ez has been leaning too heavily on her colleague to research and publish: Major responsibilities for any scientific endeavor. Course, Hz remains as cheerful and supportive as always, but after Hz ate alone, Ez really took a hard look and realized she had been eating without documenting and simply was not the medium-functioning what-have-you of prouder days. She began to search for the cause. Please accept the following, perhaps sketch, account as one explanation, though no excuse.
Oh Her God! It was time again for Rock the Garden and Ez had very few fragmented and fond memories of the event from the summer before. This year Solid Gold was playing and the MDz have made their love embarrassingly plain in past posts and unanswered emails. But because Hz loves her family, she couldn’t attend this year- went to some kinda wedding or something instead and Ez had to mix that sorrow with her spazzing excitement. Ez did have the awesomest street force, so things were shaping up fine. Kt, Nz, Lz and newest recruit to the force, Kathryn showed up at Ez’ and out they went.
ohwowohwowohwow
We Know! And there were attractives EVERYWHERE!
There were so many people, Ez couldn't even find her boyfriend!
And you guessed it, HTDGZ! And guess what else, SO MUCH BEER!
Only the beginning!
There were no standard htdgz in this garden, but there was no intimidating this street force!
That's a bg dg!
Ez and Nz dig in!
Nz and Lz eat dgz.
Like we said, Kathryn was new and she offered a fresh perspective: the crndg!
Kathryn, what IS that?
We ate and drank a little. Everything made sense for a good long while, but from Solid Gold to The Decemberists, things can get blurry, people can become confused.
It's okay.
Hi, you guys!
PD was there, too!
When things get funny like that, you keep on- it’s not that deep, you just get that crndg! Ez did get that mammoth crndg and with profesh zeal she endeavored to capture this magnificent specimen for the blg.
My, you're pretty.
See how this Rock the Garden dog was so huge? Ez couldn’t get the whole thing in the shot!
Ez asked Kt to hold it for a photo.
But then Ez wanted to be in the picture with the bgcrndg!
Nevermind that sleeve mustard.
And then it seemed genius to get some shots of the crndg with Ez AND Kt. Ez insisted! And Kt was super sport!
See? Genius!
Again!
Kt, what's the prob?
Meanwhile…Kt was hearing the comments of some boys standing near. Seems these boys saw something beyond foodstuff in that long crndg. The reader may assume by now that Ez was hearing nothing.
C'mon Kt, would it KILL you to smile?
Since something was obvs up with Kt and we just could not get a pleasing shot, Ez asked Nz to step in!
Nz, happy to oblige
The camera loves Nz!
No big whoop!
Not a sec too soon, the Decemberists broke through Ez’ haze with a supreme Heart cover and she eased off the photo shoot tyranny. Geeze, it was good! And man, it was finally summer! And wow, we’d been in that big art-beer garden a long time! So, when a stranger approached our party and offered to take us through a “port hole” to a hidden and beautiful portion of our city, we said yes, please show us this port hole!
So, that's a port hole...
Nz! Are you going through?!
Ez going through the change
it's...so...beautiful..
It really was uncommon on the other side! It was loud and bright with dark corners, plush benches, sparkles, potions and powders! There were very large drinking glasses and very tiny spoons. There were eighteen-year-old smiley boys on bikes wearing dress shoes and exchanging meaningful looking hand signals. Goodness, they were friendly!
But maybe we stayed too long…
New friends!
And this is where the memories end. Ez knows that since that momentous night she has been shirking her duties. Until now she’d been unable to describe the world beyond that p-hole, even. Was something shook loose? Maybe. Is she back to normal? Maybe. Will she try harder? Maybe.
Through the port hole! Fan us on Facebook.
Hz eats alone
Sometimes, like especially when Ez is off jet-setting, a hot dog doctor must bravely stride into the uncharted territory of the solo mission. It’s no big deal, really, except it can be boring. Hz found herself in this situation last Thursday, when she had some time to kill and had a belly void of hotdogs, and Ez was not around. So she went to the NE Bulldog and grabbed a table in the corner, read The Onion, and avoided eye-contact with the other patrons. She’s not shy when she’s with Ez, but sometimes when she’s alone, she kinda is! The solution: alcohol. Hz ordered a fancy European beer the second the waitress came over. The waitress was like, “Hi.” and Hz goes, “Give me a beer. I am afraid.”
kind of bored
Dr. Scholls is for suckers
Titanic! Ha ha! That was a dumb movie.
Hz took pictures of herself to try to be not bored. It only helped for a second.
Hz bored feet.
Bored! Sooo bored!
Oh, my god! Dying of boredom!
But then Hz read the menu, and her outlook improved! She found a WHOLE SECTION of hot dogs, which is rather to-be-expected-ey, since this bar is called the BullDOG. And the last half of that word is DOG, and the last half of the word hotdog is DOG too. So Hz wasn’t dying of shock or anything…
Dogs for Sale!
Hz ordered a Venezulan (sic) dog, and things REALLY looked up. Everything else on the menu she had tried before, because it was like chili dogs and chicago styles and stuff, but this Venezulan (sic) dog really looked like it was gonna be something else! It had onions, cabbage, mustard, ketchup, mayo and -check it- CRUSHED POTATO CHIPS. Holla!
When no one else will love you, food will.
And hey! America’s Funniest Home Videos was on the television, which is maybe the best tv show ever made. It’s not even really made by TV people, it’s made by Americans.
AFHV. Haha! That show is hilarious!
Speaking of being American, while Hz was at the Bulldog working on the Hot Dog Blog, “Kids in America” came on the radio. That song is so rad.
And the dog went down fast. Hz didn’t have anyone to talk to, so she only used her mouth for eating.
First bite.
Second bite!
Gone in two bites!
So then Hz had to wash that dog down with some more beers. The beer at the Bulldog tastes super good! And remember, there were crushed potato chips on that hot dog, so things were getting salty in Hz’ mouth. She had to pound beers, she had no other recourse!
Dg wash!
That’s when things really started picking up. And simultaneously going downhill, in a way…
more beers
Getting silly and blurry!
Hz made friends with the waitress! And by that, we mean Hz asked if they could take a picture together, and the nice waitress said yes.
Making friends!
After she got done eating, and drinking 14 beers, she inquired with her new friend about the cupcake sitch. She was stoked that they had some Red Velvet cupcakes with raspberry filling inside. She was like, “All take wunna those cubgags!”
Hz got dessert!
When it was time to go, Hz was REALLY blurry and drunky. So she had a little wander around Northeast Minneapolis! Just to check things out!
Oopsies, a little tipsy!
Hz has a little rest.
Back up and at 'em!
In the Surdyk’s parking lot, Hz tried to make another friend. But he wasn’t having it. Aaaawkward!
Hey, you! Let's be friends!
Finally, Hz wandered up to Super America, but not the same Super America that she and Ez went to with Lt. Brn-N-Srv in mission two. When she got there, she thought it may be a great idea to see if there were any treasures in the dumpster!
Anything good?
Hey, what's that?
Hz found a Lamborghini poster! Framed! What? That’s incredible!
Holy crap. Really?
And it was the end to a perfect day.
Htdgs + dmpstr dvg = pleasure!
Lessons Learned:
- Sometimes it’s super fun to eat a hot dog by yourself, but you have to have a good attitude about it.
- Potato chips on hot dogs are incredibly good.
- If you’re feeling grumpy, have a cupcake!
- If you need a Lamborghini poster, check in the dumpster.
Let's be friends! Fan us on Facebook!
Hz was rescued by a rock star!
A coupla weekends ago, Hz got to go with her friend Mary Ellyn and some other folks to Coachella, in California! She was super excited to see a bunch of great bands, and eat some quality dogs. She was very ambitious with the band-watching, but not with the dog-eating. She ended up eating tacos and potato chips most of the time, unfortch.
Mary Ellyn and Hz at Coachella. Keep movin', folks. No htdgs to see here!
Anyway, the day after the festival, Hz went to the airport only to discover that she booked her return flight for a week later than she needed it. After finding out that changing to a different flight from Palm Springs would cost $950, she decided to book a flight from Los Angeles instead and try to hitchhike over there.
Hz found a ticket on the red eye for later that night that only cost $320, but still needed a lift to the Los Angeles airport, which California celebrities have nicknamed, “LAX”, and that is about a two-hour drive. Also, she didn’t know very many LA folks that were at Coachella, and certainly didn’t want to bother anyone. Luckily, she had been text-messaging that morning with a very important LA dude, whom we shall nickname, “HrMrSprstr.”
And wow, what a great guy! He arrived at the airport in his fly hoopty in, like, 60 minutes! And Hz hopped in, and off they went!
Westward, Ho!
Hz had a long talk with her rescuer. Mostly this talk involved her explaining the wonders of hot dogs. How much fun they are to eat, how much fun they are when you take pictures of them, and especially how much fun it is when she and Ez write about them and their friends tell them that they are funny all the time. (How Ez and Hz are funny, not how hot dogs are funny. But hot dogs are funny, too.)
And HrMrSprstr was WAY into it! And Hz didn’t think he was just being polite, because he had a MILLION great ideas for future missions, such as handing them out for free at his shows. And also, he didn’t have to be polite anyway, because Hz was the one who should be kissing ass, since he was so nice and gave her a ride to LA.
So after they got to LA, do you know what Hz and HrMrSprstr did? Yes, you do! They went out for a hot dog! HrMrSprstr knew of a very famous hot dog place called Pinks, and he wanted to take her there! For a power lunch!
This Pink’s place was rather incredible. They had so many people in line for a hot dog, they had to put ropes out on the sidewalk for crowd control. But it didn’t matter how many ropes were there, it was gonna be real tough for Hz to control herself. For SURE!
Pink's was heaving with Pink's fnz!
As they wound through the ropes, Hz and HrMrSprstr were totally laughing at all of the funny signs for hot dogs you could buy.
The Ozzy Spicy Dog!
America the Beautiful Dog!
Lord of the Rings Dog!
Hz noticed that there was a hotdog with coleslaw on it, which sounded verrrrrry intriguing, so she totally got that. It was great! HrMrSprstr got something with loads of chili.
HrMrSprstr orders there!
And we got chili on our fries.
Hard at work!
The wreckage
After Hz and HrMrSprstr ate, they wanted to die. But seriously, they had been partying in the hot sun at Coachella all weekend, so it might not have only been because they were so, soooo full. They might have just been sun-burnt and hung over. Or, yeah, they might have overeaten.
Full.
Sooo full.
After this, HrMrSprstr took Hz to a nice bar called Malo, where they had some Tecate and talked with some friends. Then off to the LAX airport, so Hz could take the redeye home!
Safe and sound!
Lessons learned:
1. When you’re buying a plane ticket always check the date on your computer for when you’re flying home, in case you might have picked the wrong day.
2. If you DO buy a ticket for the wrong day, ask a rock star for help.
3. If you buy a ticket for the wrong day, and a rock star is going to help you, go to Pink’s for a hot dog, but don’t eat so much you feel like dying.
4. Coleslaw on a hotdog tastes good.
THE
END
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