Through the Port Hole
Lately it’s become clear that Ez has been leaning too heavily on her colleague to research and publish: Major responsibilities for any scientific endeavor. Course, Hz remains as cheerful and supportive as always, but after Hz ate alone, Ez really took a hard look and realized she had been eating without documenting and simply was not the medium-functioning what-have-you of prouder days. She began to search for the cause. Please accept the following, perhaps sketch, account as one explanation, though no excuse.
Oh Her God! It was time again for Rock the Garden and Ez had very few fragmented and fond memories of the event from the summer before. This year Solid Gold was playing and the MDz have made their love embarrassingly plain in past posts and unanswered emails. But because Hz loves her family, she couldn’t attend this year- went to some kinda wedding or something instead and Ez had to mix that sorrow with her spazzing excitement. Ez did have the awesomest street force, so things were shaping up fine. Kt, Nz, Lz and newest recruit to the force, Kathryn showed up at Ez’ and out they went.
ohwowohwowohwow
We Know! And there were attractives EVERYWHERE!
There were so many people, Ez couldn't even find her boyfriend!
And you guessed it, HTDGZ! And guess what else, SO MUCH BEER!
Only the beginning!
There were no standard htdgz in this garden, but there was no intimidating this street force!
That's a bg dg!
Ez and Nz dig in!
Nz and Lz eat dgz.
Like we said, Kathryn was new and she offered a fresh perspective: the crndg!
Kathryn, what IS that?
We ate and drank a little. Everything made sense for a good long while, but from Solid Gold to The Decemberists, things can get blurry, people can become confused.
It's okay.
Hi, you guys!
PD was there, too!
When things get funny like that, you keep on- it’s not that deep, you just get that crndg! Ez did get that mammoth crndg and with profesh zeal she endeavored to capture this magnificent specimen for the blg.
My, you're pretty.
See how this Rock the Garden dog was so huge? Ez couldn’t get the whole thing in the shot!
Ez asked Kt to hold it for a photo.
But then Ez wanted to be in the picture with the bgcrndg!
Nevermind that sleeve mustard.
And then it seemed genius to get some shots of the crndg with Ez AND Kt. Ez insisted! And Kt was super sport!
See? Genius!
Again!
Kt, what's the prob?
Meanwhile…Kt was hearing the comments of some boys standing near. Seems these boys saw something beyond foodstuff in that long crndg. The reader may assume by now that Ez was hearing nothing.
C'mon Kt, would it KILL you to smile?
Since something was obvs up with Kt and we just could not get a pleasing shot, Ez asked Nz to step in!
Nz, happy to oblige
The camera loves Nz!
No big whoop!
Not a sec too soon, the Decemberists broke through Ez’ haze with a supreme Heart cover and she eased off the photo shoot tyranny. Geeze, it was good! And man, it was finally summer! And wow, we’d been in that big art-beer garden a long time! So, when a stranger approached our party and offered to take us through a “port hole” to a hidden and beautiful portion of our city, we said yes, please show us this port hole!
So, that's a port hole...
Nz! Are you going through?!
Ez going through the change
it's...so...beautiful..
It really was uncommon on the other side! It was loud and bright with dark corners, plush benches, sparkles, potions and powders! There were very large drinking glasses and very tiny spoons. There were eighteen-year-old smiley boys on bikes wearing dress shoes and exchanging meaningful looking hand signals. Goodness, they were friendly!
But maybe we stayed too long…
New friends!
And this is where the memories end. Ez knows that since that momentous night she has been shirking her duties. Until now she’d been unable to describe the world beyond that p-hole, even. Was something shook loose? Maybe. Is she back to normal? Maybe. Will she try harder? Maybe.
Through the port hole! Fan us on Facebook.
Yo, Twins Homo-pener, Sprtz Fnz!
Ever since Hz’ friend Sexy Freddy suggested going to the Twins Homo-pener, the Hot dog Doctors were practically vibrating with excitement. If there’s one thing that a Hot Dog Doctor likes, it’s going to a game that some people call, “A Thinkin’ Man’s Game.” That’s SO us! We rallied a Street Force and ordered some tickets for the cheap seats online, and when the tickets came in the mail, Hz called everybody freaking out because the tickets all had different pictures on them! That was extremely rad. They’re like paper dolls for boys.
Twin in the white shirt: I'm trying my hardest! Twin in the blue shirt: Then try harder!
When the day finally came for the Twins Homo-pener, Paul D informed the doctors that all day the nice Metrodome people had been handing out hot dogs to Sprtz Fnz! What? How did we not get the press release? Haha, just kidding.
That evening, the Hot Dog Street force met at Ez’ house, and then everyone took the bus downtown and then the light rail to the Metrodome. It was way fun! While we were waiting at the platform near Dreamgirls (which is a super excellent stripper bar in case you didn’t know), Hz took this totally cute picture of Ez in front of a Hot Dog sign! Can you tell we were way stoked to go to the game for some quality dogs, or what? Oh, man!
No one can resist!
When we got on the train, we felt like everyone could tell we were amateurs, because we weren’t even wearing Joe Mauer jerseys or anything! Just normal clothes! Also, Hz was very proud of all the tickets, which may have signaled a lack of sophistication to which these so-called “Thinkin’ Men” are unaccustomed. Whatevz, dudez. Like we care. JK! We really do!
Meet Scott Baker, TC the mascot, and Joe Mauer.
Scott Baker is a starter, the mascot is a teddy bear, and Joe Mauer is from Saint Paul, and we cannot stress enough how so many people had Joe Mauer shirts on. He must be a way awes guy!
When our train pulled up to the Metrodome, it was like paradise! The very first thing that happened is this girl with a Red Bull Can-shaped backpack on came over and gave us all FREE Red Bull! Yeah! for FREE! And she said something like about how Red Bull gives you wings, and Paul D thought she said that Red Bull makes you wheeze.
So, you know how sometimes when you hear the word FREE you get a little thrill in your heart even though you don’t care about the FREE thing at all? But it’s like, if I can have it for FREE I would be stupid not to take it! That’s how we were with the Red Bull. Because no one on the Hot Dog Street Force likes Red Bull or ever drinks it, except Hz will drink it about once a year but only if she has a seriously miserable hangover. So anyway, we all took those FREE Red Bulls and stuck them in our purses. For later! Or for never! Or to give to a teen-aged girl or something! We didn’t even think about it, to be honest. It was FREE!
Then we started wandering around like amateurs again…
The "H" stands for "Hawesome!"
We finally figured out where we were supposed to be going, which was all the way around the back of the Metrodome, where all the poor people walk into the building with shame. When we got up to the doors, there was an important man there who wanted to make sure we didn’t have anything dangerous in our purses. And you know what he found? Yes, you do! Tons of FREE Red Bull! And you know what you’re not supposed to take inside? ANY Red Bull. Sorry, teen-aged girls, you won’t get any future possible Red Bull handouts from us! (That was a big “maybe” anyway.)
So, we got inside, and started wandering around like stupid people. We didn’t know where General Admission was, so we sat in someone’s seats that weren’t general admission. And while we were enjoying our incredible view of first base, the actual general admission section was SUPER filling up! So, by the time the people who paid for the seats we were sitting in got there, and stripped us of our dignity by making us leave, it was very, very, very, very hard to find a seat where we were supposed to be. We are beginners.
Here's us: My, these general admission seats are quite good.
Finally we found a few seats together, but we had to make some people move down one seat, and then we had to save one single seat in front of us for Kt, who was coming late, and one single seat behind us for Nz, who was coming late, too. And then we had to tell two people not to come. They weren’t going to be happy about that, but what could we do? That’s what you get for having a normal job.
Here’s what we could see from our seats: Banners of important baseball players! There is Jackie Robinson, the first guy to ever play baseball black; Harmon Killebrew, who had a shit-ton of home runs or something; Rod Carew: Jew! Black! Yesss!; Tony Oliva who was probably good or something but we’ve never heard of him; Kent Hrbeck: WEIRD LAST NAME; and Kirby Puckett who is known for having a big butt, and glaucoma, and is also dead. Super bummer. Ez always liked the way radio game announcers said Kirrrbeeeeeey PUCKETT!
Robinson, Killebrew, Carew, Oliva, Hrbeck, Puckett
This Mauer mister doesn’t have his picture up in the stands yet, but even if you were blind you could tell that he is very important because at these Twins games they work to get you totally mental by playing a tiny bit of an awesome song and Paul D noted that they reserved the awesomest one for Joe. Everytime he was going to be the batter they would play AC/DC, “TNT”, but only a tiny bit! Mental Making!
Now you try, too! Just stop this after a tiny bit!
Pretty soon Kt and Nz showed up…
Can you find Kt in this picture?
Find Nz, if you can!
After everyone arrived, we set out in search of some dogs.
It took forever, because we also wanted beers, and it was hard to find the kind that we wanted, even though it is normal old Summit beer that we wanted, and that is brewed in Saint Paul. And you’d think that if everyone is going mental over Joe Mauer, who is from Saint Paul, they would want to have Saint Paul beer all over the place. But they don’t. We settled for Schells. That’s okay, though. It’s from New Ulm.
Eventually, we found us some Dome Dogs, too. Feast your eyes!
Dome Dogs and Schells Beers
By the way, the Hot Dog Doctors aren’t sure that there is any difference between a Dome Dog hot dog and a regular hot dog that you can buy at the Dome. It’s just when you order a Dome Dog, you also get a bag of potato chips. We didn’t perform any tests to find out for sure.
So, here’s when things started going badly: Hz kind of was carrying more than a Doctor should. And she made it past the throngs of Sprtz Fnz for what seemed like miles through the hallway of the Dome, and up about a quarter-mile of stairs, and got all the way up to two rows in front of the Hot Dog Street Force when one of the dogs got loose! The top hot dog in the little paper basket that it came in slid from the stack of other little paper baskets she was carrying, and the dog tumbled into a fellow Sprtz Fn! And like any fired-up baseball zealot, he tried to catch it. But the wiener got loose and fell to the floor. Hz new friend caught the empty bun in his hands, and also caught some hot dog shrapnel (mustard and relish) in the thigh1. Hz almost cried.
HELP! LOST DOG!
But Paul D was super nice about it. Since she was carrying his dog in the dog pile, she was going to go dogless and let him eat. But Paul D insisted, saying that as a Hot Dog Doctor it was important that Hz sample a Dome Dog. Hz and Paul D decided to split the remaining dog. It was very profesh of them both.
Half-a-hotdog
Of course, a half-dog wasn’t enough. Eventually, a nice man with a special hotdog-warming box came up the stairs, and we could buy another one from him! So that’s what we did.
He came upstairs with a hotdog! What a nice guy!
Then we started eating some serious cotton candy…
Nz loves cotton candy so much, she wants to kiss it!
Kt + Ctn Cndy
Ez!
Like the hand of god in a pink cloud!
Okay so then there was lots of watching (and getting distracted), and there was some stuff with the game and people were cheering and then there was this SUPER HILARIOUS kiss cam, where the giant TV showed people and then if they saw themselves, they had to kiss! The Hot Dog Doctors were hoping hard that we’d see someone that we’d know, but we didn’t. How can there be a whole stadium sold out, with people making out on a kiss-cam, and we don’t know anybody? It seemed impossible, but it was true.
Kiss Cam!
More Kiss Cam! C'mon guy, kiss her!
Kiss Cam! Everyone wants to make out!
Hz hoped that the Kiss Cam would catch her during this romantic moment with her hot dog.
Okay, so THEN there was this weird thing where they totally humiliated this guy about Twins trivia. He got to be on the big TV, and wear a Twins outfit, and the name of this strange activity was, “Touch ’em all trivia.” We couldn’t see if it said “Joe Mauer” on the back of his outfit, but it probably did. As we’ve already mentioned, Twins fans lose their minds over Joe Mauer.
Dude got pwnd
Here’s what happens…
- Some fellow with a microphone asks this fan in a Twins costume on the big TV a question.
- Poser gets it wrong.
- They make him leave.
At another point in the Twins Homo-pener, some guy proposed to a lady on the giant TV! He’s got major baseballs to do something like that! We didn’t get our cameras out in time, so we can’t show you what it looked like, but it really looked exactly like this:
Pretend like this is the giant TV.
The whole time they were playing just enough of some seriously great songs to make your thighs start to tremble, but, oh wow, then they played “Crazy Train”! The whole “Crazy Train”! Ridiculously sick!
Okay, so the bad news is that the Twins lost the game. We took this majorly cute picture of the Hot Dog Street Force when we were lounging around afters.
The Hot Dog Doctors, surrounded by the Hot Dog disciples
Oh, okay, we almost forgot! This is really funny! When we were on our way out, we saw this guy who was dressed totally outrageously! We wanted to take a picture of him to show you SO BAD, so the Hot Dog Doctors told him that we were writing a fashion blog. That isn’t exactly a lie, because we did write about fashion in the First Avenue post, and we even gave fashion advice which about a million2 hipsters have taken to heart. Seriously totally. But the point is that this guy was super nice and he let us take a picture.
Fashion!
And then Hz gave him our business card, so he could check himself out! We sooo hope he does! We also hope he doesn’t sue the doctors for malpractice, since we totally lied to him. Oh, please don’t!
Sharpie business card, until we make it!
Afterwards, we walked to Grumpy’s and had some mini-tacos and more beers. Boy, they were good! And PS: Grumpy’s was PACKED! But we still didn’t know a single person. We need to start getting out more, obvs.
There's Kt! Ha ha! Hi tiny Kt!
And there's Nz! Like a little ant!
1. After reading this part, Lt. Brn-n-Srv said to Hz, “I’ll give you some hot dog shrapnel in the face!” Hz thought this was rather aggressive, and for a moment was offended, yet confused. Relish and mustard in her face? What? Then it dawned on her what he meant. Now she fears she’ll never reclaim her youthful naïveté. (That’s French for “doesn’t get the joke.”)
2. Actually, only one. It’s Lz. She wore skinny black pants and white shoes to Rogue Buddha last Saturday. But she looked so great! See, we were right. About the fashion.
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The Day the Doctors Almost Died (not really)
We had high hopes for Saturday’s mission- Big Plans. Paul D agreed to take the MDz and Brn-n-Srv to the scrap yard! Sickety-SICK! We were going to fortify with a solid bacon breakfast at Hz’ to get us through the pre-dog heavy lifting, but when PD called the yard for scrapping hours the lady was totally like, “We’ll close at 11:15 or earlier if we feel like it.” Wha–?! How do you like that? Well, Ez was still fast asleep at 10:40. No time to nice around, we got up and at it!
Stepping into the cool morning, was it just the confusing late March Minnesota weather that sent the chill through your doctors, or was there something more sinister at hand? Brn-n-Srv, thinking he saw something shiny, reached down and picked up a SKULL!
An ominous start?
We left from Hz’ house in 2 cars, PD’s loaded with scrap and Brn-n-Srv at the wheel of his friend’s car. Brn-n-Srv musta been drunk with power from being in a borrowed All Wheel Drive Subaru, or something, because when he was leading the way to the freeway he kept going off-road! Brn-n-Srv, are you a crazy person, or what?
Oh my!
OH NO!
Oh good!
Brn-n-Srv, What the HECK?!!
With just minutes before gate closing, PD honked and Ez tried to speed dial Hz as Brn-n-Srv sped past Kirschbaum-Krupp Metal Recycling.
Right! Take a right!
It was close, but we made it! PD told us that there are 1,200 privately owned scrap yards in the USA. Last summer Old Sheet Aluminum was selling high at 78 cents per pound and scrappers were living rich for a while, but then prices plummeted. Fall 2008 saw aluminum prices as low as 33 cents and the scrappers were totally pissed off. Joe, the man at the weigh station, said something like, “Hey guys, that’s just the price”. We were all eager to see what PD’s earnings would be!¹
Giddyap!
Heave Ho, Hz!
Hump that scrap, Ez!
PD and his booty.
Probably not a baby.
We got all of the scrap from Paul D’s car, and loaded it up onto a wheely-cart. Then we rolled it inside. When the big garage door opened, it was like the doors to the Kingdom of Oz opened or something! and then we walked inside with our scraps.
Wow, the place is nice!
Roomy!
PD rolled his scrap onto the floor-scale. Joe and Victor got weights on all the different metals: copper, red brass, lead, aluminum sheet and cans.
Saying goodbye.
Meet Joe.
This is how much the scrap weighed!
This is how much Hz weighs! JK!
Meanwhile, some other fellas …
Real sweeties.
….were checking the valuable Hz!
Priceless!
JK, These dudes were all ultra-sweet!
Well, PD collected his receipt and brought it to the nice lady behind the bullet-proof glass. She gave him a code or a slip of some sort (please forgive us this lack of detail, there was just so much to see).
You take this blah blah to the machine, she said.
and blah blah blah cents!
Htdgz on PD!
Obviously, we had worked up a real good appetite by this time! So we wasted no time getting to Uncle Franky’s!
Ez: super glamorous in Paul D's Scrapping Car!
Lt. Brn-n-Srv wasted no time with the antics. That guy is a laugh riot!
We can't help that man. He is not a hot dog.
This place seemed totally supreme before we even went inside. Their door handle is a metal hot dog and Brn-n-Serve even tried to eat it! Outta sight!
What's gotten into Brn-n-Srv?
Hot Dog Heaven! Not only does Uncle Frankie have a dog selection incredible enough to almost stump the doctors…
what should we get?
they were also playing the BEST song! The song that beckons summer! The song that makes you wish you could sing, makes you wish you could dance, makes you wish you could FLY!
All minds were blown, but we’re professionals and got back on the job. You should know that their pop is supplied from a local root beer brewery who’s name we forget. They have strawberry, orange, grape, pink lemonade and root beer, naturally! Ez got Grape and Hz got Strawberry.
Hz got strawberry.
Ez had to try Hz' yummy strawberry pop.
So then Hz tried Ez' grape pop. Equally awes!
This man was helpful and totally nice:
and he gave us refills!
This man made up the dogs and was totally nice:
He made them!
Quite an operation:
Art and science.
When our food came, we could hardly believe what a great big feast it was! We thought the table would break under all the weight. For REAL!
a bountiful dog-feast
And then when we started eating all of that delicious food, it was MAD DELICIOUS!
Ez gets bizzy!
Hz gets at it!
Paul D, doing it doggy-style!
Brn-N-Srv hits that- WAIT, Brn-n-Srv, are you BLEEDING?!!
HA HA HA! Brn-n-Srv was goofing with the ketchup, Classic! Course, we were all totally rolling and all of the other diners probably were really enjoying us, too!
But then it got a little out of hand when he started dripping on his new-fancy-phone-camera-computer!
Yuck!! Can't have nothing nice!
That mighta been when we started to attract the attention of owner, Larry.
Larry
As Brn-n-Srv wiped up a little, Ez remembered out loud about those ten long years she put herself through hot dog learning being a waitress. She told of refillling ketchup bottles and how easy it is to drip and spill and then if you do, you can wash your hands and dab at your shirt with a wet soapy paper towel all shift long, but you will NEVER get rid of that vinegary ketchup smell! Gross me out the DOOR!
Brn-n-Srv smelling his stache.
PD mentioned that the bathrooms at Uncle Frankie’s are pleasingly clean. Maybe Brn-n-Srv went in to clean up, and maybe it was Brn-n-Srv, dripping ketchup, that attracted Larry’s notice, but he sure wanted to know why a couple of doctors were snapping photos of his bathrooms!
Clean bathrooms at Uncle Franky's.
We explained that we LOVE hot dogs! Told Larry we eat hot dogs and talk about it and write about it and take pictures of it and invite our friends because we LOVE hot dogs! Then Larry wanted to help us! He told us of his 2 other locations: Dinkytown and Plymouth. Said if we went to the Dinkytown store we would find his brother and his cousin was at the Plymouth satellite. Then he pointed out the terrific art on the wall made by Wesley Willis!
Wesley Willis is totally supreme!
We were all SO FULL, so we were planing to walk off our dogs along the river. As we were leaving Larry gave us some more location suggestions. That guy is really something! SUPER helpful!
We don't know if Larry has an uncle named Franky.
Totally great day! Brn-n-Srv was going to lead the way in that borrowed All Wheel Drive Subaru. We all took off down Broadway, but Brn-n-Srv was OFF, hot and fast! PD and Ez were in the dust and a little worried!
But we heard from him later in the day, when he called from the Loon to announce that he was eating a Cheddarwurst. Safe and sound! (whew!)
Footnotes
1. Upon reviewing his receipt, PD noticed that Old Sheet Aluminum pulled just 16 cents a pound, lousy! This is a recent history low! Sorry PD, that totally blows!
Can it be?!!
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SXSW Sendoff Tragedy: Denied Dgz!
When Hz saw the flyer for the Are You Local? SXSW Sendoff at First Avenue, she was only slightly stoked at first. There were some pretty rad bands playing, but usually the HtDg MDz don’t go into downtown on the weekends, because that’s when the superlame D-bgz go there, and if there’s one thing a HtDg Doctor doesn’t like, it is THAT (except sometimes Ez does like that- noshedoesn’tyesshedoesnoshedosen’t). Right before Hz stopped caring about the flyer, she noticed that down at the bottom was a tiny hotdog! Totally dope! Then she really cared, like a LOT! And called Ez right away!
Hello, Hot Dog!
Can you spot the dog in this picture? Hz did!
So the Doctors rounded up a Street Force, including Dnz and Paul D. Ez and Dnz went down there right away, because they were super starving. The scene was SET! There were tons of people so they thought it best to scope the hot dog operation- and quick. They walked right in and followed the signs.
and make haste!
Well, you don’t get to be doctor without learning to tell when stuff’s sinking south and this was getting critical! Every time they got in line for a delicious hot dog, they would run out before they got one and then the chef would have to go make some more! Every time it was like, come back in 5 minutes, come back in 5 minutes. Como se dice Broken Record?!!
This was totally weak. But finally, during one of the dog runs, Dnz scored a dog. A natural Hotdog Force, Dnz saw them unload a batch and she moved it up there, Pronto! It took forever, but it was delicious, she said, and we believe her like whoa.
hard work and determination
Ez saw the writing on the wall: If Hz didn’t hurry up and get to First Avenue, there would be NO DOGS LEFT! So she sent an SOS for Hz to GET OVER HERE NOW!
Hz receives an SOS from Ez!
But Hz was doing the very best she could! She thought that she would park in a parking ramp and pay on the way out, but HOLY CRAP! It was event parking, and she had to pay on the way IN! And guess who didn’t have ten dollars? HZ DIDN’T! So then she had to drive all the way to Sex World to go to the cash machine, so she was super late, and in super trouble!
When Hz finally arrived, the Hot Dog Street Force rolled downstairs to try for dogs one more time. But they were like, OH MY GOD, OH NO! Because the sign said no dogs!!!
tough bnz, MDz
oh, please don't cry
This was a hard reality- a real tough hit. Dnz was the only one to get some that night. Ez kept digging for details, just kept on asking. What was it like? Was it good? Dnz didn’t talk too much on the matter, but said it was fresh. That was almost enough for Ez.
fresh and good, she said
Paul D and Hz were starving so bad though. So even though they would have done some pretty uncool things to score a dog, it wouldn’t have even mattered because there weren’t any there anyhow. So they just got pizza instead. It was pretty good, but there’s nothing like a dog, as I’m sure you will agree.
whadaryagonnado?
Too late for hot dogs and too late to see First Communion Afterparty, we made ourselves feel better by drinking majorly huge beers and listening to music. The Doctors both agreed that the best band of our night was Solid Gold, for several reasons:
- Totally cute!
- Sweet outfits
- Good music
Here is a video, so you can hear how totally premium they are.
But wait! We forgot something! Before Solid Gold started, one of the guys in the band was walking around, and Ez noticed that he was wearing skinny black jeans with white shoes, which we thought was a totally excellent combination. Then we were doing some shopping at the Solid Gold merch table, and we saw this, which was a hilarious joke, but also a tragic waste of dog:
rock stars are wasteful
And also, we handed out some business cards that night, to maximize exposure on the street! Awesome times ten!
This is our business card. Supreme!
Our lessons for tonight are these:
- If you want to be a hot dog doctor, you must always be ready for a dog any time, ALL the time. And usually parking ramps and hot dog places will not take credit cards. So Hz will always roll with some flow from now on.
- Wear skinny black jeans with white shoes.
Find us on Facebook! Totally premium!
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