Must Love Hot Dogs

Oh, poor Hz!

Even though Hz is a bigshot hot dog doctor, she’s seriously been feeling the pinch of the harsh economy lately. See, Hot Dog Doctors aren’t like regular human doctors that get paid an assload of money every time they get out of bed. Hot Dog Doctors get paid exactly NOTHING, and there is some major overhead with the practice, too, ’cause you’ve got to buy hot dogs, and pitchers of beer, and Cherry Bombs, and Twins Homo-pener tickets, and bus fare, and tetanus shots. So, Hz thought she had it made when she scammed a friend into moving in with her, and being her roommate, and helping with rent! But then this friend fell in love, and wanted to move in with her boyfriend. Nice for her, but wha—? Now Hz has to scam somebody else!

Hz is down to $4.

So Hz was thinking about writing an ad for Craig’s List. And she was thinking about her love of hot dogs, because they are never far from her mind. And she was thinking that it would be nice if the person she tricked into moving in with her loved hot dogs even half as much as she did. So then she was thinking about how the Craig’s List ad could be titled, “Must Love Hot Dogs” as a riff offa that super awesome and clever Diane Lane / John Cusack movie, Must Love DOGS!! Isn’t it great?

If you haven’t seen the movie, here’s what it is probably about (we haven’t seen it so we don’t really know, but it seems like pretty easy to figure out):

Diane Lane plays this really mean and ugly lady whose husband leaves her for someone who looks like Megan Fox or Sasha Grey. They would have picked Ali Larter, but the producers wanted him to leave a blond for a brunette. That’s just how Hollywood works, people. If Marcia Gay Harden would have played the mean wife, the rest of casting would have been totally different too.

Anyway, Diane Lane is at the EDGE OF DESPAIR! So she thinks about where she can meat her new, great boyfriend, and she remembers that men like dogs and women like cats. So, basically, if you just go where there are a lot of dogs, you will meat a boyfriend and finally be happy. And you know where that is, don’t you? The DOG PARK.

In order to make sure that lots of cute guys come up to her and meat her, she stuffs some summer sausage meat into her coat pockets. So when dogs walk past in the dog park, they come right up to her and sniff her, and the hunky owners just think that the dog really likes Diane Lane, and then they meat her and  flirt with her and she goes on dates!

BUT, Diane Lane is very fussy, and she never likes any of the hunky guys that meat her, even though it was probably Bill Paxton, Dane Cook and Paul Rudd. And then one day, John Cusack‘s dog jumps up on her, and knocks her over and she bumps her head on a park bench and goes into a coma! John Cusack feels really, really guilty about this, so he goes to visit her in the hospital every day and tells her family that they’re dating, which is partially true, because he’s seriously falling in love with her because she’s really BEAUTIFUL (even though she’s getting old), and since she’s in a coma she can’t talk, so she can’t be like, “Why don’t you ever tell me I look nice?” and “We never hang out with MY friends, only YOUR friends!” and “NO BUTT SEX!”!

The part about it that’s NOT true about them dating is that since Diane Lane is in a coma, she has no idea who this weirdo dog owner even is, let alone the fact that its super creepy that he keeps hanging around a veg in the hospital, so she’d like totally never date him. They’re sort of HALF dating: he’s dating her, but she’s not dating him.

The movie ends with Diane Lane finally waking up, but having no idea where or who she is, but the first person she sees is John Cusack, and just like a baby dinosaur, she “imprints” onto him because she thinks he is her mother. So she kind of chirrups and mews and rubs her face onto his hand and they live happily ever after.

Here’s a trailer! See for yourself!

So, if you know somebody nice, who really loves hot dogs, and who wants to live with a serious hot dog journalist, let us know.
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July 15, 2009. Poverty.