Yo, Twins Homo-pener, Sprtz Fnz!

Ever since Hz’ friend Sexy Freddy suggested going to the Twins Homo-pener, the Hot dog Doctors were practically vibrating with excitement. If there’s one thing that a Hot Dog Doctor likes, it’s going to a game that some people call, “A Thinkin’ Man’s Game.” That’s SO us! We rallied a Street Force and ordered some tickets for the cheap seats online, and when the tickets came in the mail, Hz called everybody freaking out because the tickets all had different pictures on them! That was extremely rad. They’re like paper dolls for boys.

Twin in the white shirt: I'm trying my hardest! Twin in the blue shirt: Then try harder!

When the day finally came for the Twins Homo-pener, Paul D informed the doctors that all day the nice Metrodome people had been handing out hot dogs to Sprtz Fnz! What? How did we not get the press release? Haha, just kidding.

That evening, the Hot Dog Street force met at Ez’ house, and then everyone took the bus downtown and then the light rail to the Metrodome. It was way fun! While we were waiting at the platform near Dreamgirls (which is a super excellent stripper bar in case you didn’t know), Hz took this totally cute picture of Ez in front of a Hot Dog sign! Can you tell we were way stoked to go to the game for some quality dogs, or what? Oh, man!

No one can resist!

When we got on the train, we felt like everyone could tell we were amateurs, because we weren’t even wearing Joe Mauer jerseys or anything! Just normal clothes! Also, Hz was very proud of all the tickets, which may have signaled a lack of sophistication to which these so-called “Thinkin’ Men” are unaccustomed. Whatevz, dudez. Like we care. JK! We really do!

Meet Scott Baker, TC the mascot, and Joe Mauer.

Scott Baker is a starter, the mascot is a teddy bear, and Joe Mauer is from Saint Paul, and we cannot stress enough how so many people had Joe Mauer shirts on. He must be a way awes guy!

When our train pulled up to the Metrodome, it was like paradise! The very first thing that happened is this girl with a Red Bull Can-shaped backpack on came over and gave us all FREE Red Bull! Yeah! for FREE! And she said something like about how Red Bull gives you wings, and Paul D thought she said that Red Bull makes you wheeze.

So, you know how sometimes when you hear the word FREE you get a little thrill in your heart even though you don’t care about the FREE thing at all? But it’s like, if I can have it for FREE I would be stupid not to take it! That’s how we were with the Red Bull. Because no one on the Hot Dog Street Force likes Red Bull or ever drinks it, except Hz will drink it about once a year but only if she has a seriously miserable hangover. So anyway, we all took those FREE Red Bulls and stuck them in our purses. For later! Or for never! Or to give to a teen-aged girl or something! We didn’t even think about it, to be honest. It was FREE!

Then we started wandering around like amateurs again…

The "H" stands for "Hawesome!"

We finally figured out where we were supposed to be going, which was all the way around the back of the Metrodome, where all the poor people walk into the building with shame. When we got up to the doors, there was an important man there who wanted to make sure we didn’t have anything dangerous in our purses. And you know what he found? Yes, you do! Tons of FREE Red Bull! And you know what you’re not supposed to take inside? ANY Red Bull. Sorry, teen-aged girls, you won’t get any future possible Red Bull handouts from us! (That was a big “maybe” anyway.)

So, we got inside, and started wandering around like stupid people. We didn’t know where General Admission was, so we sat in someone’s seats that weren’t general admission. And while we were enjoying our incredible view of first base, the actual general admission section was SUPER filling up! So, by the time the people who paid for the seats we were sitting in got there, and stripped us of our dignity by making us leave, it was very, very, very, very hard to find a seat where we were supposed to be. We are beginners.

Here's us: My, these general admission seats are quite good.

Finally we found a few seats together, but we had to make some people move down one seat, and then we had to save one single seat in front of us for Kt, who was coming late, and one single seat behind us for Nz, who was coming late, too. And then we had to tell two people not to come. They weren’t going to be happy about that, but what could we do? That’s what you get for having a normal job.

Here’s what we could see from our seats: Banners of important baseball players! There is Jackie Robinson, the first guy to ever play baseball black; Harmon Killebrew, who had a shit-ton of home runs or something; Rod Carew: Jew! Black! Yesss!; Tony Oliva who was probably good or something but we’ve never heard of him; Kent Hrbeck: WEIRD LAST NAME; and Kirby Puckett who is known for having a big butt, and glaucoma, and is also dead. Super bummer. Ez always liked the way radio game announcers said Kirrrbeeeeeey PUCKETT!

Robinson, Killebrew, Carew, Oliva, Hrbeck, Puckett

This Mauer mister doesn’t have his picture up in the stands yet, but even if you were blind you could tell that he is very important because at these Twins games they work to get you totally mental by playing a tiny bit of an awesome song and Paul D noted that they reserved the awesomest one for Joe. Everytime he was going to be the batter they would play AC/DC, “TNT”, but only a tiny bit! Mental Making!

Now you try, too! Just stop this after a tiny bit!

Pretty soon Kt and Nz showed up…

Can you find Kt in this picture?

Find Nz, if you can!

(see answers below!)

After everyone arrived, we set out in search of some dogs.

It took forever, because we also wanted beers, and it was hard to find the kind that we wanted, even though it is normal old Summit beer that we wanted, and that is brewed in Saint Paul. And you’d think that if everyone is going mental over Joe Mauer, who is from Saint Paul, they would want to have Saint Paul beer all over the place. But they don’t. We settled for Schells. That’s okay, though. It’s from New Ulm.

Eventually, we found us some Dome Dogs, too. Feast your eyes!

Dome Dogs and Schells Beers

By the way, the Hot Dog Doctors aren’t sure that there is any difference between a Dome Dog hot dog and a regular hot dog that you can buy at the Dome. It’s just when you order a Dome Dog, you also get a bag of potato chips. We didn’t perform any tests to find out for sure.

So, here’s when things started going badly: Hz kind of was carrying more than a Doctor should. And she made it past the throngs of Sprtz Fnz for what seemed like miles through the hallway of the Dome, and up about a quarter-mile of stairs, and got all the way up to two rows in front of the Hot Dog Street Force when one of the dogs got loose! The top hot dog in the little paper basket that it came in slid from the stack of other little paper baskets she was carrying, and the dog tumbled into a fellow Sprtz Fn! And like any fired-up baseball zealot, he tried to catch it. But the wiener got loose and fell to the floor. Hz new friend caught the empty bun in his hands, and also caught some hot dog shrapnel (mustard and relish) in the thigh¹. Hz almost cried.

HELP! LOST DOG!

But Paul D was super nice about it. Since she was carrying his dog in the dog pile, she was going to go dogless and let him eat. But Paul D insisted, saying that as a Hot Dog Doctor it was important that Hz sample a Dome Dog. Hz and Paul D decided to split the remaining dog. It was very profesh of them both.

Half-a-hotdog

Of course, a half-dog wasn’t enough. Eventually, a nice man with a special hotdog-warming box came up the stairs, and we could buy another one from him! So that’s what we did.

He came upstairs with a hotdog! What a nice guy!

Then we started eating some serious cotton candy…

Nz loves cotton candy so much, she wants to kiss it!

Kt + Ctn Cndy

Ez!

Like the hand of god in a pink cloud!

Okay so then there was lots of watching (and getting distracted), and there was some stuff with the game and people were cheering and then there was this SUPER HILARIOUS kiss cam, where the giant TV showed people and then if they saw themselves, they had to kiss! The Hot Dog Doctors were hoping hard that we’d see someone that we’d know, but we didn’t. How can there be a whole stadium sold out, with people making out on a kiss-cam, and we don’t know anybody? It seemed impossible, but it was true.

Kiss Cam!

More Kiss Cam! C'mon guy, kiss her!

Kiss Cam! Everyone wants to make out!

Hz hoped that the Kiss Cam would catch her during this romantic moment with her hot dog.

Okay, so THEN there was this weird thing where they totally humiliated this guy about Twins trivia. He got to be on the big TV, and wear a Twins outfit, and the name of this strange activity was, “Touch ’em all trivia.” We couldn’t see if it said “Joe Mauer” on the back of his outfit, but it probably did. As we’ve already mentioned, Twins fans lose their minds over Joe Mauer.

Dude got pwnd

Here’s what happens…

1. Some fellow with a microphone asks this fan in a Twins costume on the big TV a question.
2. Poser gets it wrong.
3. They make him leave.

At another point in the Twins Homo-pener, some guy proposed to a lady on the giant TV! He’s got major baseballs to do something like that! We didn’t get our cameras out in time, so we can’t show you what it looked like, but it really looked exactly like this:

Pretend like this is the giant TV.

The whole time they were playing just enough of some seriously great songs to make your thighs start to tremble, but, oh wow, then they played “Crazy Train”! The whole “Crazy Train”! Ridiculously sick!

Okay, so the bad news is that the Twins lost the game. We took this majorly cute picture of the Hot Dog Street Force when we were lounging around afters.

The Hot Dog Doctors, surrounded by the Hot Dog disciples

Oh, okay, we almost forgot! This is really funny! When we were on our way out, we saw this guy who was dressed totally outrageously! We wanted to take a picture of him to show you SO BAD, so the Hot Dog Doctors told him that we were writing a fashion blog. That isn’t exactly a lie, because we did write about fashion in the First Avenue post, and we even gave fashion advice which about a million² hipsters have taken to heart. Seriously totally. But the point is that this guy was super nice and he let us take a picture.

Fashion!

And then Hz gave him our business card, so he could check himself out! We sooo hope he does! We also hope he doesn’t sue the doctors for malpractice, since we totally lied to him. Oh, please don’t!

Sharpie business card, until we make it!

Afterwards, we walked to Grumpy’s and had some mini-tacos and more beers. Boy, they were good! And PS: Grumpy’s was PACKED! But we still didn’t know a single person. We need to start getting out more, obvs.

There's Kt! Ha ha! Hi tiny Kt!

And there's Nz! Like a little ant!

1. After reading this part, Lt. Brn-n-Srv said to Hz, “I’ll give you some hot dog shrapnel in the face!” Hz thought this was rather aggressive, and for a moment was offended, yet confused. Relish and mustard in her face? What? Then it dawned on her what he meant. Now she fears she’ll never reclaim her youthful naïveté. (That’s French for “doesn’t get the joke.”)

2. Actually, only one. It’s Lz. She wore skinny black pants and white shoes to Rogue Buddha last Saturday. But she looked so great! See, we were right. About the fashion.

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April 10, 2009. Tags: AC/DC, Baseball, Bon Scott, Cotton Candy, Crazy Train, Dome Dog, Ez, Fashion, hot dog blog, Hot Dog Doctors, Hz, Joe Mauer, Kiss Cam, Klement's Sausage, lost dog, Metrodome, Minnesota Twins, Red Bull, Schells, Summit, TNT, Twins Home Opener, Twins Homo-pener. Drunkenness, Fashions, Getting Lost or stuck somewhere, Hot Dog Dining, Kt, Lz, Nz, Paul D, Poverty, Sports. 3 comments.