Tonight, Hz was just watching the Daily Show on the cable television and having some snacks after a long day at the Hot Dog Bloggery. She was about to turn in when she heard Jon Stewart announce the guest. Do you know who it was? It was Anthony Weiner, and he is a famous congressman from New York! Hz couldn’t believe her ears that they were going to have a hotdog politician on TV, so she stayed up to watch it.
Mostly, this Weiner fellow talked about health care. To be honest, Hz wasn’t really listening because she was trying to snap a photo right at the perfect time when his name was on the screen at the bottom. It took her like ten tries to get it right! Sometimes even the smartest hot dog journalists have a hard day at work, people. Respect.
Oh, poor Hz!
Even though Hz is a bigshot hot dog doctor, she’s seriously been feeling the pinch of the harsh economy lately. See, Hot Dog Doctors aren’t like regular human doctors that get paid an assload of money every time they get out of bed. Hot Dog Doctors get paid exactly NOTHING, and there is some major overhead with the practice, too, ’cause you’ve got to buy hot dogs, and pitchers of beer, and Cherry Bombs, and Twins Homo-pener tickets, and bus fare, and tetanus shots. So, Hz thought she had it made when she scammed a friend into moving in with her, and being her roommate, and helping with rent! But then this friend fell in love, and wanted to move in with her boyfriend. Nice for her, but wha—? Now Hz has to scam somebody else!
So Hz was thinking about writing an ad for Craig’s List. And she was thinking about her love of hot dogs, because they are never far from her mind. And she was thinking that it would be nice if the person she tricked into moving in with her loved hot dogs even half as much as she did. So then she was thinking about how the Craig’s List ad could be titled, “Must Love Hot Dogs” as a riff offa that super awesome and clever Diane Lane / John Cusack movie, Must Love DOGS!! Isn’t it great?
If you haven’t seen the movie, here’s what it is probably about (we haven’t seen it so we don’t really know, but it seems like pretty easy to figure out):
Diane Lane plays this really mean and ugly lady whose husband leaves her for someone who looks like Megan Fox or Sasha Grey. They would have picked Ali Larter, but the producers wanted him to leave a blond for a brunette. That’s just how Hollywood works, people. If Marcia Gay Harden would have played the mean wife, the rest of casting would have been totally different too.
Anyway, Diane Lane is at the EDGE OF DESPAIR! So she thinks about where she can meat her new, great boyfriend, and she remembers that men like dogs and women like cats. So, basically, if you just go where there are a lot of dogs, you will meat a boyfriend and finally be happy. And you know where that is, don’t you? The DOG PARK.
In order to make sure that lots of cute guys come up to her and meat her, she stuffs some summer sausage meat into her coat pockets. So when dogs walk past in the dog park, they come right up to her and sniff her, and the hunky owners just think that the dog really likes Diane Lane, and then they meat her and flirt with her and she goes on dates!
BUT, Diane Lane is very fussy, and she never likes any of the hunky guys that meat her, even though it was probably Bill Paxton, Dane Cook and Paul Rudd. And then one day, John Cusack‘s dog jumps up on her, and knocks her over and she bumps her head on a park bench and goes into a coma! John Cusack feels really, really guilty about this, so he goes to visit her in the hospital every day and tells her family that they’re dating, which is partially true, because he’s seriously falling in love with her because she’s really BEAUTIFUL (even though she’s getting old), and since she’s in a coma she can’t talk, so she can’t be like, “Why don’t you ever tell me I look nice?” and “We never hang out with MY friends, only YOUR friends!” and “NO BUTT SEX!”!
The part about it that’s NOT true about them dating is that since Diane Lane is in a coma, she has no idea who this weirdo dog owner even is, let alone the fact that its super creepy that he keeps hanging around a veg in the hospital, so she’d like totally never date him. They’re sort of HALF dating: he’s dating her, but she’s not dating him.
The movie ends with Diane Lane finally waking up, but having no idea where or who she is, but the first person she sees is John Cusack, and just like a baby dinosaur, she “imprints” onto him because she thinks he is her mother. So she kind of chirrups and mews and rubs her face onto his hand and they live happily ever after.
Here’s a trailer! See for yourself!
So, if you know somebody nice, who really loves hot dogs, and who wants to live with a serious hot dog journalist, let us know.
Today at the health club where Hz works…
DOUG: Hillz, you want some Wheat Thins?
HZ: Oh my god, yes. All I’ve eaten today is diet pills.
DOUG: [laughs] That’s so awesome.
HZ: Yeah, it’s funny ’cause it’s true! Did I ever tell you about when I was taking Mucinex and I lost tons of weight?
DOUG: That’s weird. Really?
HZ: Yeah. I would have kept taking it, too, because I was looking really great. But it makes you cough up phlegm all the time.
DOUG: That wasn’t phlegm. It was fat.
Lately it’s become clear that Ez has been leaning too heavily on her colleague to research and publish: Major responsibilities for any scientific endeavor. Course, Hz remains as cheerful and supportive as always, but after Hz ate alone, Ez really took a hard look and realized she had been eating without documenting and simply was not the medium-functioning what-have-you of prouder days. She began to search for the cause. Please accept the following, perhaps sketch, account as one explanation, though no excuse.
Oh Her God! It was time again for Rock the Garden and Ez had very few fragmented and fond memories of the event from the summer before. This year Solid Gold was playing and the MDz have made their love embarrassingly plain in past posts
and unanswered emails. But because Hz loves her family, she couldn’t attend this year- went to some kinda wedding or something instead and Ez had to mix that sorrow with her spazzing excitement. Ez did have the awesomest street force, so things were shaping up fine. Kt, Nz, Lz and newest recruit to the force, Kathryn showed up at Ez’ and out they went.
We Know! And there were attractives EVERYWHERE!
And you guessed it, HTDGZ! And guess what else, SO MUCH BEER!
There were no standard htdgz in this garden, but there was no intimidating this street force!
Like we said, Kathryn was new and she offered a fresh perspective: the crndg!
We ate and drank a little. Everything made sense for a good long while, but from Solid Gold to The Decemberists, things can get blurry, people can become confused.
When things get funny like that, you keep on- it’s not that deep, you just get that crndg! Ez did get that mammoth crndg and with profesh zeal she endeavored to capture this magnificent specimen for the blg.
See how this Rock the Garden dog was so huge? Ez couldn’t get the whole thing in the shot!
But then Ez wanted to be in the picture with the bgcrndg!
And then it seemed genius to get some shots of the crndg with Ez AND Kt. Ez insisted! And Kt was super sport!
Meanwhile…Kt was hearing the comments of some boys standing near. Seems these boys saw something beyond foodstuff in that long crndg. The reader may assume by now that Ez was hearing nothing.
Since something was obvs up with Kt and we just could not get a pleasing shot, Ez asked Nz to step in!
The camera loves Nz!
Not a sec too soon, the Decemberists broke through Ez’ haze with a supreme Heart cover and she eased off the photo shoot tyranny. Geeze, it was good! And man, it was finally summer! And wow, we’d been in that big art-beer garden a long time! So, when a stranger approached our party and offered to take us through a “port hole” to a hidden and beautiful portion of our city, we said yes, please show us this port hole!
It really was uncommon on the other side! It was loud and bright with dark corners, plush benches, sparkles, potions and powders! There were very large drinking glasses and very tiny spoons. There were eighteen-year-old smiley boys on bikes wearing dress shoes and exchanging meaningful looking hand signals. Goodness, they were friendly!
But maybe we stayed too long…
And this is where the memories end. Ez knows that since that momentous night she has been shirking her duties. Until now she’d been unable to describe the world beyond that p-hole, even. Was something shook loose? Maybe. Is she back to normal? Maybe. Will she try harder? Maybe.
Sometimes, like especially when Ez is off jet-setting, a hot dog doctor must bravely stride into the uncharted territory of the solo mission. It’s no big deal, really, except it can be boring. Hz found herself in this situation last Thursday, when she had some time to kill and had a belly void of hotdogs, and Ez was not around. So she went to the NE Bulldog and grabbed a table in the corner, read The Onion, and avoided eye-contact with the other patrons. She’s not shy when she’s with Ez, but sometimes when she’s alone, she kinda is! The solution: alcohol. Hz ordered a fancy European beer the second the waitress came over. The waitress was like, “Hi.” and Hz goes, “Give me a beer. I am afraid.”
But then Hz read the menu, and her outlook improved! She found a WHOLE SECTION of hot dogs, which is rather to-be-expected-ey, since this bar is called the BullDOG. And the last half of that word is DOG, and the last half of the word hotdog is DOG too. So Hz wasn’t dying of shock or anything…
Hz ordered a Venezulan (sic) dog, and things REALLY looked up. Everything else on the menu she had tried before, because it was like chili dogs and chicago styles and stuff, but this Venezulan (sic) dog really looked like it was gonna be something else! It had onions, cabbage, mustard, ketchup, mayo and -check it- CRUSHED POTATO CHIPS. Holla!
And hey! America’s Funniest Home Videos was on the television, which is maybe the best tv show ever made. It’s not even really made by TV people, it’s made by Americans.
Speaking of being American, while Hz was at the Bulldog working on the Hot Dog Blog, “Kids in America” came on the radio. That song is so rad.
And the dog went down fast. Hz didn’t have anyone to talk to, so she only used her mouth for eating.
So then Hz had to wash that dog down with some more beers. The beer at the Bulldog tastes super good! And remember, there were crushed potato chips on that hot dog, so things were getting salty in Hz’ mouth. She had to pound beers, she had no other recourse!
That’s when things really started picking up. And simultaneously going downhill, in a way…
Hz made friends with the waitress! And by that, we mean Hz asked if they could take a picture together, and the nice waitress said yes.
After she got done eating, and drinking 14 beers, she inquired with her new friend about the cupcake sitch. She was stoked that they had some Red Velvet cupcakes with raspberry filling inside. She was like, “All take wunna those cubgags!”
When it was time to go, Hz was REALLY blurry and drunky. So she had a little wander around Northeast Minneapolis! Just to check things out!
In the Surdyk’s parking lot, Hz tried to make another friend. But he wasn’t having it. Aaaawkward!
Finally, Hz wandered up to Super America, but not the same Super America that she and Ez went to with Lt. Brn-N-Srv in mission two. When she got there, she thought it may be a great idea to see if there were any treasures in the dumpster!
Hz found a Lamborghini poster! Framed! What? That’s incredible!
And it was the end to a perfect day.
- Sometimes it’s super fun to eat a hot dog by yourself, but you have to have a good attitude about it.
- Potato chips on hot dogs are incredibly good.
- If you’re feeling grumpy, have a cupcake!
- If you need a Lamborghini poster, check in the dumpster.
0 days until August 27, 2009
And all the junk-food wonders of the Great Minnesota Get Together shall be unleashed! Gluttons, unite!
For the past couple of weeks Ez has been getting multi reminders that she’s lucky in life, and since the beginning of June the evidence has been staggering. We list for you now the month’s early elements of awesomeness:
- Dnz called and left this message “Ez, I got an extra ticket to Jenny Lewis on Wednesday. Joe loves her, so I got tickets for his birthday, but now he has to work. Do you want to go? I don’t know if you even like Jenny Lewis. I don’t.”
- Ez received lab results by mail from her recent visit to a MD specializing in humans and their health. She learned that her good cholesterol is high and her bad cholesterol is very low. This is tres fortunate and must be due to her Swedishness, because we all know how she eats.
- In the same mail batch she received her June cooking mag script that our darling Kt perscribed for her last birthday. The covergirl for this issue is BBQ ribs! And the centerfold….hold up, all wankers, let’s let this last.
This is an obvs sign that Ez should eat BBQ everyday. So she carefully followed the magazine’s directions and invited Hz, Dnz and Kt over for some ribs offa George Forman’s grill.
Kt can’t make it because she’s still out of town, but Hz and Dnz showed up and were ubz impressed. This Cambodian version of BBQ ribs is sincerely swell with a side sauce that everyone mixed up herself.
Turns out Hz and Dnz also enjoy a favorable lipid profile despite their impressive htdg experience. We celebrate!
Hz is pure instinct and mixed her sauce perfectly without a recipe. Even though she totally knows what she’s doing and does not need a manual, Hz paged through the mag a little anyway and HELLO, SAILOR…..
Have mercy, already! Ours is a beautiful world.
So clearly, all’s awes and Hz even brought a gourmet desert made with dark chocolate.
Exceptional luck, right?
Maybe all that perfection was too much to bear, and maybe that’s what started to erode our happy party’s goodwill. Whatever the cause, Hz’ admiration of Jenny Lewis‘ fashions really started to vex Dnz! For a sec it seemed they might come to blows! Luckily, Hz dropped Ez and Dnz off at First Avenue without event.
Dnz and Ez talked about miniskirts and Dnz’ boyfriend Joe’s musical taste on the way to the bar for some cherry bombs.
Then The Sadies started playing and they were great! They played gunslinger-style music and two of ’em are brothers and their last name is Good. One brother seemed to be wearing a Caucasian-flesh-tone suit with sequined figures (sperm or mushroom?) up the lapels.
And they played a song of the God-loving, hard-living Louvin Brothers, but not this one:
And they did this incredibly awesome and gay move where each brother frets the other’s guitar. Sad city, we didn’t get a photo, but please believe! And they put records out on that Bloodshot label that induces pants-wetting in certain circles. It was so fun!
And then Jenny Lewis played!
- Cambodian ribs are great! Eat them every day if you have low cholesterol!
- Always check your magazines for centerfolds, but please do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.
- Yay, Louvin Brothers! Also, The Brothers Good = CUTE CENTRAL!
- Boys say they like Jenny Lewis’ music and Rilo Kiley because she’s hot.
- Girls say that Jenny Lewis is stupid because they’re jealous of her hotness.
- Jenny Lewis‘ music really is stupid, regardless of her hotness.
- The jury is still out on whether Jenny Lewis‘ outfits are good or bad.
The Hot Dog Doctors just realized that there is another reason to adore the famous Jewish, black, baseball-playing Rod Carew. BECAUSE OF THE BEASTIE BOYS! In the 1994 song “Sure Shot” the Beasties say…
Pull up at the function and you know I Kojak
To all the party people that are on my Bozak
I’ve got more action than my man John Woo
And I’ve got mad hits like i was Rod Carew
So, in our post, Yo, Twins Homo-pener, Sprtz Fnz!, when we couldn’t think of anything more awesome to say about Rod Carew than, “Jew! Black! Yesss!” we were SO WRONG! And yes, being Jewish and/or Black is totally awes, but being in Sure Shot is, like, UBZ AWES!
Witness (at the 0:59 mark)
Have a rad Memorial Day weekend. Eat a shitload of hotdogs, yo.
A coupla weekends ago, Hz got to go with her friend Mary Ellyn and some other folks to Coachella, in California! She was super excited to see a bunch of great bands, and eat some quality dogs. She was very ambitious with the band-watching, but not with the dog-eating. She ended up eating tacos and potato chips most of the time, unfortch.
Anyway, the day after the festival, Hz went to the airport only to discover that she booked her return flight for a week later than she needed it. After finding out that changing to a different flight from Palm Springs would cost $950, she decided to book a flight from Los Angeles instead and try to hitchhike over there.
Hz found a ticket on the red eye for later that night that only cost $320, but still needed a lift to the Los Angeles airport, which California celebrities have nicknamed, “LAX”, and that is about a two-hour drive. Also, she didn’t know very many LA folks that were at Coachella, and certainly didn’t want to bother anyone. Luckily, she had been text-messaging that morning with a very important LA dude, whom we shall nickname, “HrMrSprstr.”
And wow, what a great guy! He arrived at the airport in his fly hoopty in, like, 60 minutes! And Hz hopped in, and off they went!
Hz had a long talk with her rescuer. Mostly this talk involved her explaining the wonders of hot dogs. How much fun they are to eat, how much fun they are when you take pictures of them, and especially how much fun it is when she and Ez write about them and their friends tell them that they are funny all the time. (How Ez and Hz are funny, not how hot dogs are funny. But hot dogs are funny, too.)
And HrMrSprstr was WAY into it! And Hz didn’t think he was just being polite, because he had a MILLION great ideas for future missions, such as handing them out for free at his shows. And also, he didn’t have to be polite anyway, because Hz was the one who should be kissing ass, since he was so nice and gave her a ride to LA.
So after they got to LA, do you know what Hz and HrMrSprstr did? Yes, you do! They went out for a hot dog! HrMrSprstr knew of a very famous hot dog place called Pinks, and he wanted to take her there! For a power lunch!
This Pink’s place was rather incredible. They had so many people in line for a hot dog, they had to put ropes out on the sidewalk for crowd control. But it didn’t matter how many ropes were there, it was gonna be real tough for Hz to control herself. For SURE!
As they wound through the ropes, Hz and HrMrSprstr were totally laughing at all of the funny signs for hot dogs you could buy.
Hz noticed that there was a hotdog with coleslaw on it, which sounded verrrrrry intriguing, so she totally got that. It was great! HrMrSprstr got something with loads of chili.
After Hz and HrMrSprstr ate, they wanted to die. But seriously, they had been partying in the hot sun at Coachella all weekend, so it might not have only been because they were so, soooo full. They might have just been sun-burnt and hung over. Or, yeah, they might have overeaten.
After this, HrMrSprstr took Hz to a nice bar called Malo, where they had some Tecate and talked with some friends. Then off to the LAX airport, so Hz could take the redeye home!
Safe and sound!
1. When you’re buying a plane ticket always check the date on your computer for when you’re flying home, in case you might have picked the wrong day.
2. If you DO buy a ticket for the wrong day, ask a rock star for help.
3. If you buy a ticket for the wrong day, and a rock star is going to help you, go to Pink’s for a hot dog, but don’t eat so much you feel like dying.
4. Coleslaw on a hotdog tastes good.