Must Love Hot Dogs
Oh, poor Hz!
Even though Hz is a bigshot hot dog doctor, she’s seriously been feeling the pinch of the harsh economy lately. See, Hot Dog Doctors aren’t like regular human doctors that get paid an assload of money every time they get out of bed. Hot Dog Doctors get paid exactly NOTHING, and there is some major overhead with the practice, too, ’cause you’ve got to buy hot dogs, and pitchers of beer, and Cherry Bombs, and Twins Homo-pener tickets, and bus fare, and tetanus shots. So, Hz thought she had it made when she scammed a friend into moving in with her, and being her roommate, and helping with rent! But then this friend fell in love, and wanted to move in with her boyfriend. Nice for her, but wha—? Now Hz has to scam somebody else!
Hz is down to $4.
So Hz was thinking about writing an ad for Craig’s List. And she was thinking about her love of hot dogs, because they are never far from her mind. And she was thinking that it would be nice if the person she tricked into moving in with her loved hot dogs even half as much as she did. So then she was thinking about how the Craig’s List ad could be titled, “Must Love Hot Dogs” as a riff offa that super awesome and clever Diane Lane / John Cusack movie, Must Love DOGS!! Isn’t it great?
If you haven’t seen the movie, here’s what it is probably about (we haven’t seen it so we don’t really know, but it seems like pretty easy to figure out):
Diane Lane plays this really mean and ugly lady whose husband leaves her for someone who looks like Megan Fox or Sasha Grey. They would have picked Ali Larter, but the producers wanted him to leave a blond for a brunette. That’s just how Hollywood works, people. If Marcia Gay Harden would have played the mean wife, the rest of casting would have been totally different too.
Anyway, Diane Lane is at the EDGE OF DESPAIR! So she thinks about where she can meat her new, great boyfriend, and she remembers that men like dogs and women like cats. So, basically, if you just go where there are a lot of dogs, you will meat a boyfriend and finally be happy. And you know where that is, don’t you? The DOG PARK.
In order to make sure that lots of cute guys come up to her and meat her, she stuffs some summer sausage meat into her coat pockets. So when dogs walk past in the dog park, they come right up to her and sniff her, and the hunky owners just think that the dog really likes Diane Lane, and then they meat her and flirt with her and she goes on dates!
BUT, Diane Lane is very fussy, and she never likes any of the hunky guys that meat her, even though it was probably Bill Paxton, Dane Cook and Paul Rudd. And then one day, John Cusack‘s dog jumps up on her, and knocks her over and she bumps her head on a park bench and goes into a coma! John Cusack feels really, really guilty about this, so he goes to visit her in the hospital every day and tells her family that they’re dating, which is partially true, because he’s seriously falling in love with her because she’s really BEAUTIFUL (even though she’s getting old), and since she’s in a coma she can’t talk, so she can’t be like, “Why don’t you ever tell me I look nice?” and “We never hang out with MY friends, only YOUR friends!” and “NO BUTT SEX!”!
The part about it that’s NOT true about them dating is that since Diane Lane is in a coma, she has no idea who this weirdo dog owner even is, let alone the fact that its super creepy that he keeps hanging around a veg in the hospital, so she’d like totally never date him. They’re sort of HALF dating: he’s dating her, but she’s not dating him.
The movie ends with Diane Lane finally waking up, but having no idea where or who she is, but the first person she sees is John Cusack, and just like a baby dinosaur, she “imprints” onto him because she thinks he is her mother. So she kind of chirrups and mews and rubs her face onto his hand and they live happily ever after.
Here’s a trailer! See for yourself!
So, if you know somebody nice, who really loves hot dogs, and who wants to live with a serious hot dog journalist, let us know.
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The Mucinex Diet
Today at the health club where Hz works…
DOUG: Hillz, you want some Wheat Thins?
HZ: Oh my god, yes. All I’ve eaten today is diet pills.
DOUG: [laughs] That’s so awesome.
HZ: Yeah, it’s funny ’cause it’s true! Did I ever tell you about when I was taking Mucinex and I lost tons of weight?
DOUG: That’s weird. Really?
HZ: Yeah. I would have kept taking it, too, because I was looking really great. But it makes you cough up phlegm all the time.
DOUG: That wasn’t phlegm. It was fat.
Mucinex makes you sexy.
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Through the Port Hole
Lately it’s become clear that Ez has been leaning too heavily on her colleague to research and publish: Major responsibilities for any scientific endeavor. Course, Hz remains as cheerful and supportive as always, but after Hz ate alone, Ez really took a hard look and realized she had been eating without documenting and simply was not the medium-functioning what-have-you of prouder days. She began to search for the cause. Please accept the following, perhaps sketch, account as one explanation, though no excuse.
Oh Her God! It was time again for Rock the Garden and Ez had very few fragmented and fond memories of the event from the summer before. This year Solid Gold was playing and the MDz have made their love embarrassingly plain in past posts and unanswered emails. But because Hz loves her family, she couldn’t attend this year- went to some kinda wedding or something instead and Ez had to mix that sorrow with her spazzing excitement. Ez did have the awesomest street force, so things were shaping up fine. Kt, Nz, Lz and newest recruit to the force, Kathryn showed up at Ez’ and out they went.
ohwowohwowohwow
We Know! And there were attractives EVERYWHERE!
There were so many people, Ez couldn't even find her boyfriend!
And you guessed it, HTDGZ! And guess what else, SO MUCH BEER!
Only the beginning!
There were no standard htdgz in this garden, but there was no intimidating this street force!
That's a bg dg!
Ez and Nz dig in!
Nz and Lz eat dgz.
Like we said, Kathryn was new and she offered a fresh perspective: the crndg!
Kathryn, what IS that?
We ate and drank a little. Everything made sense for a good long while, but from Solid Gold to The Decemberists, things can get blurry, people can become confused.
It's okay.
Hi, you guys!
PD was there, too!
When things get funny like that, you keep on- it’s not that deep, you just get that crndg! Ez did get that mammoth crndg and with profesh zeal she endeavored to capture this magnificent specimen for the blg.
My, you're pretty.
See how this Rock the Garden dog was so huge? Ez couldn’t get the whole thing in the shot!
Ez asked Kt to hold it for a photo.
But then Ez wanted to be in the picture with the bgcrndg!
Nevermind that sleeve mustard.
And then it seemed genius to get some shots of the crndg with Ez AND Kt. Ez insisted! And Kt was super sport!
See? Genius!
Again!
Kt, what's the prob?
Meanwhile…Kt was hearing the comments of some boys standing near. Seems these boys saw something beyond foodstuff in that long crndg. The reader may assume by now that Ez was hearing nothing.
C'mon Kt, would it KILL you to smile?
Since something was obvs up with Kt and we just could not get a pleasing shot, Ez asked Nz to step in!
Nz, happy to oblige
The camera loves Nz!
No big whoop!
Not a sec too soon, the Decemberists broke through Ez’ haze with a supreme Heart cover and she eased off the photo shoot tyranny. Geeze, it was good! And man, it was finally summer! And wow, we’d been in that big art-beer garden a long time! So, when a stranger approached our party and offered to take us through a “port hole” to a hidden and beautiful portion of our city, we said yes, please show us this port hole!
So, that's a port hole...
Nz! Are you going through?!
Ez going through the change
it's...so...beautiful..
It really was uncommon on the other side! It was loud and bright with dark corners, plush benches, sparkles, potions and powders! There were very large drinking glasses and very tiny spoons. There were eighteen-year-old smiley boys on bikes wearing dress shoes and exchanging meaningful looking hand signals. Goodness, they were friendly!
But maybe we stayed too long…
New friends!
And this is where the memories end. Ez knows that since that momentous night she has been shirking her duties. Until now she’d been unable to describe the world beyond that p-hole, even. Was something shook loose? Maybe. Is she back to normal? Maybe. Will she try harder? Maybe.
Through the port hole! Fan us on Facebook.
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