Tonight, Hz was just watching the Daily Show on the cable television and having some snacks after a long day at the Hot Dog Bloggery. She was about to turn in when she heard Jon Stewart announce the guest. Do you know who it was? It was Anthony Weiner, and he is a famous congressman from New York! Hz couldn’t believe her ears that they were going to have a hotdog politician on TV, so she stayed up to watch it.
Mostly, this Weiner fellow talked about health care. To be honest, Hz wasn’t really listening because she was trying to snap a photo right at the perfect time when his name was on the screen at the bottom. It took her like ten tries to get it right! Sometimes even the smartest hot dog journalists have a hard day at work, people. Respect.
Lately it’s become clear that Ez has been leaning too heavily on her colleague to research and publish: Major responsibilities for any scientific endeavor. Course, Hz remains as cheerful and supportive as always, but after Hz ate alone, Ez really took a hard look and realized she had been eating without documenting and simply was not the medium-functioning what-have-you of prouder days. She began to search for the cause. Please accept the following, perhaps sketch, account as one explanation, though no excuse.
Oh Her God! It was time again for Rock the Garden and Ez had very few fragmented and fond memories of the event from the summer before. This year Solid Gold was playing and the MDz have made their love embarrassingly plain in past posts
and unanswered emails. But because Hz loves her family, she couldn’t attend this year- went to some kinda wedding or something instead and Ez had to mix that sorrow with her spazzing excitement. Ez did have the awesomest street force, so things were shaping up fine. Kt, Nz, Lz and newest recruit to the force, Kathryn showed up at Ez’ and out they went.
We Know! And there were attractives EVERYWHERE!
And you guessed it, HTDGZ! And guess what else, SO MUCH BEER!
There were no standard htdgz in this garden, but there was no intimidating this street force!
Like we said, Kathryn was new and she offered a fresh perspective: the crndg!
We ate and drank a little. Everything made sense for a good long while, but from Solid Gold to The Decemberists, things can get blurry, people can become confused.
When things get funny like that, you keep on- it’s not that deep, you just get that crndg! Ez did get that mammoth crndg and with profesh zeal she endeavored to capture this magnificent specimen for the blg.
See how this Rock the Garden dog was so huge? Ez couldn’t get the whole thing in the shot!
But then Ez wanted to be in the picture with the bgcrndg!
And then it seemed genius to get some shots of the crndg with Ez AND Kt. Ez insisted! And Kt was super sport!
Meanwhile…Kt was hearing the comments of some boys standing near. Seems these boys saw something beyond foodstuff in that long crndg. The reader may assume by now that Ez was hearing nothing.
Since something was obvs up with Kt and we just could not get a pleasing shot, Ez asked Nz to step in!
The camera loves Nz!
Not a sec too soon, the Decemberists broke through Ez’ haze with a supreme Heart cover and she eased off the photo shoot tyranny. Geeze, it was good! And man, it was finally summer! And wow, we’d been in that big art-beer garden a long time! So, when a stranger approached our party and offered to take us through a “port hole” to a hidden and beautiful portion of our city, we said yes, please show us this port hole!
It really was uncommon on the other side! It was loud and bright with dark corners, plush benches, sparkles, potions and powders! There were very large drinking glasses and very tiny spoons. There were eighteen-year-old smiley boys on bikes wearing dress shoes and exchanging meaningful looking hand signals. Goodness, they were friendly!
But maybe we stayed too long…
And this is where the memories end. Ez knows that since that momentous night she has been shirking her duties. Until now she’d been unable to describe the world beyond that p-hole, even. Was something shook loose? Maybe. Is she back to normal? Maybe. Will she try harder? Maybe.
0 days until August 27, 2009
And all the junk-food wonders of the Great Minnesota Get Together shall be unleashed! Gluttons, unite!
For the past couple of weeks Ez has been getting multi reminders that she’s lucky in life, and since the beginning of June the evidence has been staggering. We list for you now the month’s early elements of awesomeness:
- Dnz called and left this message “Ez, I got an extra ticket to Jenny Lewis on Wednesday. Joe loves her, so I got tickets for his birthday, but now he has to work. Do you want to go? I don’t know if you even like Jenny Lewis. I don’t.”
- Ez received lab results by mail from her recent visit to a MD specializing in humans and their health. She learned that her good cholesterol is high and her bad cholesterol is very low. This is tres fortunate and must be due to her Swedishness, because we all know how she eats.
- In the same mail batch she received her June cooking mag script that our darling Kt perscribed for her last birthday. The covergirl for this issue is BBQ ribs! And the centerfold….hold up, all wankers, let’s let this last.
This is an obvs sign that Ez should eat BBQ everyday. So she carefully followed the magazine’s directions and invited Hz, Dnz and Kt over for some ribs offa George Forman’s grill.
Kt can’t make it because she’s still out of town, but Hz and Dnz showed up and were ubz impressed. This Cambodian version of BBQ ribs is sincerely swell with a side sauce that everyone mixed up herself.
Turns out Hz and Dnz also enjoy a favorable lipid profile despite their impressive htdg experience. We celebrate!
Hz is pure instinct and mixed her sauce perfectly without a recipe. Even though she totally knows what she’s doing and does not need a manual, Hz paged through the mag a little anyway and HELLO, SAILOR…..
Have mercy, already! Ours is a beautiful world.
So clearly, all’s awes and Hz even brought a gourmet desert made with dark chocolate.
Exceptional luck, right?
Maybe all that perfection was too much to bear, and maybe that’s what started to erode our happy party’s goodwill. Whatever the cause, Hz’ admiration of Jenny Lewis‘ fashions really started to vex Dnz! For a sec it seemed they might come to blows! Luckily, Hz dropped Ez and Dnz off at First Avenue without event.
Dnz and Ez talked about miniskirts and Dnz’ boyfriend Joe’s musical taste on the way to the bar for some cherry bombs.
Then The Sadies started playing and they were great! They played gunslinger-style music and two of ‘em are brothers and their last name is Good. One brother seemed to be wearing a Caucasian-flesh-tone suit with sequined figures (sperm or mushroom?) up the lapels.
And they played a song of the God-loving, hard-living Louvin Brothers, but not this one:
And they did this incredibly awesome and gay move where each brother frets the other’s guitar. Sad city, we didn’t get a photo, but please believe! And they put records out on that Bloodshot label that induces pants-wetting in certain circles. It was so fun!
And then Jenny Lewis played!
- Cambodian ribs are great! Eat them every day if you have low cholesterol!
- Always check your magazines for centerfolds, but please do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.
- Yay, Louvin Brothers! Also, The Brothers Good = CUTE CENTRAL!
- Boys say they like Jenny Lewis’ music and Rilo Kiley because she’s hot.
- Girls say that Jenny Lewis is stupid because they’re jealous of her hotness.
- Jenny Lewis‘ music really is stupid, regardless of her hotness.
- The jury is still out on whether Jenny Lewis‘ outfits are good or bad.
The Hot Dog Doctors just realized that there is another reason to adore the famous Jewish, black, baseball-playing Rod Carew. BECAUSE OF THE BEASTIE BOYS! In the 1994 song “Sure Shot” the Beasties say…
Pull up at the function and you know I Kojak
To all the party people that are on my Bozak
I’ve got more action than my man John Woo
And I’ve got mad hits like i was Rod Carew
So, in our post, Yo, Twins Homo-pener, Sprtz Fnz!, when we couldn’t think of anything more awesome to say about Rod Carew than, “Jew! Black! Yesss!” we were SO WRONG! And yes, being Jewish and/or Black is totally awes, but being in Sure Shot is, like, UBZ AWES!
Witness (at the 0:59 mark)
Have a rad Memorial Day weekend. Eat a shitload of hotdogs, yo.
A coupla weekends ago, Hz got to go with her friend Mary Ellyn and some other folks to Coachella, in California! She was super excited to see a bunch of great bands, and eat some quality dogs. She was very ambitious with the band-watching, but not with the dog-eating. She ended up eating tacos and potato chips most of the time, unfortch.
Anyway, the day after the festival, Hz went to the airport only to discover that she booked her return flight for a week later than she needed it. After finding out that changing to a different flight from Palm Springs would cost $950, she decided to book a flight from Los Angeles instead and try to hitchhike over there.
Hz found a ticket on the red eye for later that night that only cost $320, but still needed a lift to the Los Angeles airport, which California celebrities have nicknamed, “LAX”, and that is about a two-hour drive. Also, she didn’t know very many LA folks that were at Coachella, and certainly didn’t want to bother anyone. Luckily, she had been text-messaging that morning with a very important LA dude, whom we shall nickname, “HrMrSprstr.”
And wow, what a great guy! He arrived at the airport in his fly hoopty in, like, 60 minutes! And Hz hopped in, and off they went!
Hz had a long talk with her rescuer. Mostly this talk involved her explaining the wonders of hot dogs. How much fun they are to eat, how much fun they are when you take pictures of them, and especially how much fun it is when she and Ez write about them and their friends tell them that they are funny all the time. (How Ez and Hz are funny, not how hot dogs are funny. But hot dogs are funny, too.)
And HrMrSprstr was WAY into it! And Hz didn’t think he was just being polite, because he had a MILLION great ideas for future missions, such as handing them out for free at his shows. And also, he didn’t have to be polite anyway, because Hz was the one who should be kissing ass, since he was so nice and gave her a ride to LA.
So after they got to LA, do you know what Hz and HrMrSprstr did? Yes, you do! They went out for a hot dog! HrMrSprstr knew of a very famous hot dog place called Pinks, and he wanted to take her there! For a power lunch!
This Pink’s place was rather incredible. They had so many people in line for a hot dog, they had to put ropes out on the sidewalk for crowd control. But it didn’t matter how many ropes were there, it was gonna be real tough for Hz to control herself. For SURE!
As they wound through the ropes, Hz and HrMrSprstr were totally laughing at all of the funny signs for hot dogs you could buy.
Hz noticed that there was a hotdog with coleslaw on it, which sounded verrrrrry intriguing, so she totally got that. It was great! HrMrSprstr got something with loads of chili.
After Hz and HrMrSprstr ate, they wanted to die. But seriously, they had been partying in the hot sun at Coachella all weekend, so it might not have only been because they were so, soooo full. They might have just been sun-burnt and hung over. Or, yeah, they might have overeaten.
After this, HrMrSprstr took Hz to a nice bar called Malo, where they had some Tecate and talked with some friends. Then off to the LAX airport, so Hz could take the redeye home!
Safe and sound!
1. When you’re buying a plane ticket always check the date on your computer for when you’re flying home, in case you might have picked the wrong day.
2. If you DO buy a ticket for the wrong day, ask a rock star for help.
3. If you buy a ticket for the wrong day, and a rock star is going to help you, go to Pink’s for a hot dog, but don’t eat so much you feel like dying.
4. Coleslaw on a hotdog tastes good.
We had high hopes for Saturday’s mission- Big Plans. Paul D agreed to take the MDz and Brn-n-Srv to the scrap yard! Sickety-SICK! We were going to fortify with a solid bacon breakfast at Hz’ to get us through the pre-dog heavy lifting, but when PD called the yard for scrapping hours the lady was totally like, “We’ll close at 11:15 or earlier if we feel like it.” Wha–?! How do you like that? Well, Ez was still fast asleep at 10:40. No time to nice around, we got up and at it!
Stepping into the cool morning, was it just the confusing late March Minnesota weather that sent the chill through your doctors, or was there something more sinister at hand? Brn-n-Srv, thinking he saw something shiny, reached down and picked up a SKULL!
We left from Hz’ house in 2 cars, PD’s loaded with scrap and Brn-n-Srv at the wheel of his friend’s car. Brn-n-Srv musta been drunk with power from being in a borrowed All Wheel Drive Subaru, or something, because when he was leading the way to the freeway he kept going off-road! Brn-n-Srv, are you a crazy person, or what?
With just minutes before gate closing, PD honked and Ez tried to speed dial Hz as Brn-n-Srv sped past Kirschbaum-Krupp Metal Recycling.
It was close, but we made it! PD told us that there are 1,200 privately owned scrap yards in the USA. Last summer Old Sheet Aluminum was selling high at 78 cents per pound and scrappers were living rich for a while, but then prices plummeted. Fall 2008 saw aluminum prices as low as 33 cents and the scrappers were totally pissed off. Joe, the man at the weigh station, said something like, “Hey guys, that’s just the price”. We were all eager to see what PD’s earnings would be!¹
We got all of the scrap from Paul D’s car, and loaded it up onto a wheely-cart. Then we rolled it inside. When the big garage door opened, it was like the doors to the Kingdom of Oz opened or something! and then we walked inside with our scraps.
Wow, the place is nice!
PD rolled his scrap onto the floor-scale. Joe and Victor got weights on all the different metals: copper, red brass, lead, aluminum sheet and cans.
Meanwhile, some other fellas …
….were checking the valuable Hz!
JK, These dudes were all ultra-sweet!
Well, PD collected his receipt and brought it to the nice lady behind the bullet-proof glass. She gave him a code or a slip of some sort (please forgive us this lack of detail, there was just so much to see).
Obviously, we had worked up a real good appetite by this time! So we wasted no time getting to Uncle Franky’s!
Lt. Brn-n-Srv wasted no time with the antics. That guy is a laugh riot!
This place seemed totally supreme before we even went inside. Their door handle is a metal hot dog and Brn-n-Serve even tried to eat it! Outta sight!
Hot Dog Heaven! Not only does Uncle Frankie have a dog selection incredible enough to almost stump the doctors…
they were also playing the BEST song! The song that beckons summer! The song that makes you wish you could sing, makes you wish you could dance, makes you wish you could FLY!
All minds were blown, but we’re professionals and got back on the job. You should know that their pop is supplied from a local root beer brewery who’s name we forget. They have strawberry, orange, grape, pink lemonade and root beer, naturally! Ez got Grape and Hz got Strawberry.
This man was helpful and totally nice:
This man made up the dogs and was totally nice:
Quite an operation:
When our food came, we could hardly believe what a great big feast it was! We thought the table would break under all the weight. For REAL!
And then when we started eating all of that delicious food, it was MAD DELICIOUS!
HA HA HA! Brn-n-Srv was goofing with the ketchup, Classic! Course, we were all totally rolling and all of the other diners probably were really enjoying us, too!
But then it got a little out of hand when he started dripping on his new-fancy-phone-camera-computer!
That mighta been when we started to attract the attention of owner, Larry.
As Brn-n-Srv wiped up a little, Ez remembered out loud about those ten long years she put herself through hot dog learning being a waitress. She told of refillling ketchup bottles and how easy it is to drip and spill and then if you do, you can wash your hands and dab at your shirt with a wet soapy paper towel all shift long, but you will NEVER get rid of that vinegary ketchup smell! Gross me out the DOOR!
PD mentioned that the bathrooms at Uncle Frankie’s are pleasingly clean. Maybe Brn-n-Srv went in to clean up, and maybe it was Brn-n-Srv, dripping ketchup, that attracted Larry’s notice, but he sure wanted to know why a couple of doctors were snapping photos of his bathrooms!
We explained that we LOVE hot dogs! Told Larry we eat hot dogs and talk about it and write about it and take pictures of it and invite our friends because we LOVE hot dogs! Then Larry wanted to help us! He told us of his 2 other locations: Dinkytown and Plymouth. Said if we went to the Dinkytown store we would find his brother and his cousin was at the Plymouth satellite. Then he pointed out the terrific art on the wall made by Wesley Willis!
We were all SO FULL, so we were planing to walk off our dogs along the river. As we were leaving Larry gave us some more location suggestions. That guy is really something! SUPER helpful!
Totally great day! Brn-n-Srv was going to lead the way in that borrowed All Wheel Drive Subaru. We all took off down Broadway, but Brn-n-Srv was OFF, hot and fast! PD and Ez were in the dust and a little worried!
But we heard from him later in the day, when he called from the Loon to announce that he was eating a Cheddarwurst. Safe and sound! (whew!)
When Hz saw the flyer for the Are You Local? SXSW Sendoff at First Avenue, she was only slightly stoked at first. There were some pretty rad bands playing, but usually the HtDg MDz don’t go into downtown on the weekends, because that’s when the superlame D-bgz go there, and if there’s one thing a HtDg Doctor doesn’t like, it is THAT (except sometimes Ez does like that- noshedoesn’tyesshedoesnoshedosen’t). Right before Hz stopped caring about the flyer, she noticed that down at the bottom was a tiny hotdog! Totally dope! Then she really cared, like a LOT! And called Ez right away!
So the Doctors rounded up a Street Force, including Dnz and Paul D. Ez and Dnz went down there right away, because they were super starving. The scene was SET! There were tons of people so they thought it best to scope the hot dog operation- and quick. They walked right in and followed the signs.
Well, you don’t get to be doctor without learning to tell when stuff’s sinking south and this was getting critical! Every time they got in line for a delicious hot dog, they would run out before they got one and then the chef would have to go make some more! Every time it was like, come back in 5 minutes, come back in 5 minutes. Como se dice Broken Record?!!
This was totally weak. But finally, during one of the dog runs, Dnz scored a dog. A natural Hotdog Force, Dnz saw them unload a batch and she moved it up there, Pronto! It took forever, but it was delicious, she said, and we believe her like whoa.
Ez saw the writing on the wall: If Hz didn’t hurry up and get to First Avenue, there would be NO DOGS LEFT! So she sent an SOS for Hz to GET OVER HERE NOW!
But Hz was doing the very best she could! She thought that she would park in a parking ramp and pay on the way out, but HOLY CRAP! It was event parking, and she had to pay on the way IN! And guess who didn’t have ten dollars? HZ DIDN’T! So then she had to drive all the way to Sex World to go to the cash machine, so she was super late, and in super trouble!
When Hz finally arrived, the Hot Dog Street Force rolled downstairs to try for dogs one more time. But they were like, OH MY GOD, OH NO! Because the sign said no dogs!!!
This was a hard reality- a real tough hit. Dnz was the only one to get some that night. Ez kept digging for details, just kept on asking. What was it like? Was it good? Dnz didn’t talk too much on the matter, but said it was fresh. That was almost enough for Ez.
Paul D and Hz were starving so bad though. So even though they would have done some pretty uncool things to score a dog, it wouldn’t have even mattered because there weren’t any there anyhow. So they just got pizza instead. It was pretty good, but there’s nothing like a dog, as I’m sure you will agree.
Too late for hot dogs and too late to see First Communion Afterparty, we made ourselves feel better by drinking majorly huge beers and listening to music. The Doctors both agreed that the best band of our night was Solid Gold, for several reasons:
- Totally cute!
- Sweet outfits
- Good music
Here is a video, so you can hear how totally premium they are.
But wait! We forgot something! Before Solid Gold started, one of the guys in the band was walking around, and Ez noticed that he was wearing skinny black jeans with white shoes, which we thought was a totally excellent combination. Then we were doing some shopping at the Solid Gold merch table, and we saw this, which was a hilarious joke, but also a tragic waste of dog:
And also, we handed out some business cards that night, to maximize exposure on the street! Awesome times ten!
Our lessons for tonight are these:
- If you want to be a hot dog doctor, you must always be ready for a dog any time, ALL the time. And usually parking ramps and hot dog places will not take credit cards. So Hz will always roll with some flow from now on.
- Wear skinny black jeans with white shoes.
Ever since that night at Chris and Rob’s Hz and Ez have been TOTALLY FREAKING OUT and making plans for future hot dog times and places (oh, and our list is loooong). Our next stop was scheduled to be the Are You Local? SXSW send-off at First Avenue because Hz spotted a tiny hot dog on the flyer. We got the Hot Dog Street Force involved and excited, but Friday night was so totally outta sight that we have to tell!
So, we went to a bunch of parties with Lz, Nz, Paul D and Johnnycakes, who requests that we refer to him from now on as Lt. Brown ‘n Serve.
Anyway, it was all super-fun. We went to an opening a Spot Art where there were these great pieces made up of those strips from letter punching guns and everybody got to try it, too!
Also there was a really sweet dog (not a hot dog, a real dog) at this party and a cool band. And Hz was so stoked because she saw her tenant, Hot Joel there. Cuz he lives right upstairs from her, but she still never sees him. Totally weird! And then it was time to go to Now or Never.
This party was extra-choice! There was a bonfire and huge tube encasing Lt. Brn-n-Srv that was kinda telling of the night to come!
Everybody was dancing and this was the first time in the night that Hz channeled Miss Prissy to show us all some fine krump!
Here’s the second time Miss Prissy graced us:
So now it’s like 2 in the morning and we take Lz and Nz home. Ez, Hz and Brn-n-Srv are totally hungry when we pass the SA on Lyndale avenue and 22nd street. Brn-n-Srv got nostalgic about the time he lived next door to this Super America and he could walk on over for dogs ALL THE TIME! We were kinda tired but Brn-n-Srv told us of his total hot dog commitment. Like, let’s say Brn-n-Srv wasn’t allowed to sleep for like 8 days, and then finally he got to, and he had just fallen asleep and you were to wake him up to ask if he wanted a hot dog, you know what he’d say? You know what he’d say! He’d say YES! Of course! So, that’s IT, we’re going in.
You should have seen the traffic in that SA! It seemed like the perfect time for a hot dog because the fast turn over would guarantee freshness, right? KIND OF! Now, it makes sense that when there is a run on hot dogs it’s hard to keep a bun warmer stocked, so we were a little worried as we started building up our dogs.
But we chose to believe!
They have a pretty nice selection of self-serve toppings at SA. You got all your expecteds: your ketchup and mustard, onions, pickle relish, but then there is a two-sided dispenser-robot, half for chili and the other half for cheese!
We were working the dog station with another enthusiast and he was awesome! You know, he’d done this before and wanted to help. We couldn’t tell if the relish was made from dill or sweet pickles so we just asked him! He said “it’s whatever you want it to be,” which we found super inspiring. Ez hoped hard that it would be dill. Our man continued to coach us on our cheese and chili dispense. Coach said, “Hold the button down!”.
Coach was really serious about this! He said, “Just hold it! Hold it and it will drop, drop, drop!” We all tried. Brn-n-Srv went first, then Ez, then Hz and it seemed like each one of us was worse at it than the last! Hz got NOT ONE DROP! Coach was getting a little disgusted with us, and just wanted us to clear out of his way. But guess what – IT WAS TOTALLY EMPTY! We already said it was busy in there. Dear Coach had been advising us while we took the last of the supplies, just drained it dry. That guy was really supreme!
Check this yellow work:
So we roll out with our custom dogs. Ez only lives about less than a mile away and she’s got exactly 3 beers in-house, right? We really wanted to save up and do right by our creations, not just take them down in the car. So they sit on our laps and we wait…
Wow, this anticipation HURTS! Hz is driving, so for a minute Brn-n-Srv and Ez are tied for it’s the hardest. Then Brn-n-Srv describes his pain for us a little. He said, for him it’s like he was holding Loni Anderson‘s lush and full bosom in his hands but is not allowed a kiss. He might have been more descriptive than that (he really was), but the point is that these were difficult minutes.
At last, we make it to Ez’, AT LAST! The dogs lost a little of their luster en route so we warmed them in the microwave just a little, not too much.
And it’s ON!
Well, there might be someone more optimistic than your Hot Dog Doctors, but there really might not be. Having said that, even doctors can doubt, and the complete deliciousness of these dogs felt like a present, BIG TIME! So we thank you for this consultation and we strongly recommend taking the SA hot dog bar, as often as needed, for any reason!